Greener with the scenery.

Yes, I am aware I have not written in a while. I have been busy busy busy. And yes, it is 4:07 am and I am not sleeping. I was basically catching up on all the last assignments for the semester that are due today, and I still am not tired, so I am deciding to just stay up. At least I will be early to work today, haha.

Let's see, what has been going on in my world? Well, ever since Hurricane James left town, I have actually been wonderful. I decided to get my life back and made a new myspace, and I have gotten in touch with old friends and have gotten a few numbers. I have even been talking frequently to a VERY cute boy. Also, I had the greatest weekend last weekend that I have had in years. On Friday, I went with Melissa to a party. She is so sweet. She picked me up and took me to Dots and bought me a cute outfit and jewelry and a clutch so I could look smokin when we went out. She also surprised me with a gift card to Planet Beach Tan, and bought me some food to eat, and took me to the liquor store and told me to pick anything I wanted [vodka + orange juice] and then we had so much fun getting ready and going to the party. We were supposed to go to a strip club too, but I got far too drunk. I ended up getting sick in her car, so we went home, but she was okay with that. She is the sweetest person, and she made me feel so good. I called her my sugarmama cause she wouldn't stop buying me stuff, haha. Then Saturday I decided to take things into my own hands. Kim gave me Derrick's phone number, and I invited Derrick, Paul, Kim, and Natalie all to my house for a get together. Derrick and Paul brought beer, Kim brought wine, I made tacos, and we all played the wii and had a fucking badass time getting drunk and catching up. I felt so liberated that weekend, and I still do. I have been texting my friends and getting on my myspace all week without feeling scared that James will catch me, and I have just been living the way I have wanted to for a long time.

Dear James,
Ever since you left, I have been better. At first I was very sad that you told me you no longer wanted a relationship, and that you werent going to change. At first, I was going to wait for you to be a better person, even if it meant waiting my whole life. But now, my eyes have been opened to the glorious world you have hidden me away from. Don't get me wrong, I love you with all my heart and I always will. If you were to change, I would not hesitate to be with you. But I don't miss you. Correct that, I miss you, but I don't miss the person you are now. These past couple of weeks without you have been so different, and I feel so free, like I was blind and am seeing the world for the first time. I missed my friends, and it has felt so good to not fight or yell or scream. It has felt wonderful to be around people that care about me and enjoy my company and do not constantly criticize me. It is such a great feeling to be around people who do not judge me at all, and love me for who I am. It is not about the fact that now I can drink, and now I can party. It is about the fact that you changed me into someone I am not, and you sheltered me from being happy. I no longer have to clean my apartment every day, it stays clean for at least a week. Kaydence is enjoying being able to run around with Liana and not confined to her room. I am breaking out less, because I am not as stressed. I am even taking better care of my body. You made me feel worthless, so I saw no need to shower, or brush my teeth, or do something about my weight. I always figured, what is the point of trying to be pretty? You would just shut me out and put me down anyway. Now, I do it for myself. Even though it has been a short time, I am already getting my confidence back. My friends and I picked up right where we left off, and they are wonderful kind caring people. It is a shame you did not even try to get to know them. I hope you are miserable without me. I hope you can't eat, sleep, or breathe. I hope that everytime you go to sleep you think of me and dream of me, and every day you feel lonely and stupid for giving me up when I loved you no matter what and would have given you the world if I could. I bet you thought I would have begged you to come back by now, huh? Well you are wrong. You will come to regret letting me go. You will see how happy and free I am without you, and how I don't need you. I DON'T NEED YOU. I can control my own life, and be perfectly happy alone or with someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who likes my children and accepts that it's a package deal or no deal. Someone who does not constantly try to change me. Someone who likes my friends and family, and they like him too. I will love you forever, but I will not accept your abuse any longer. My chains are broken, and you will be the one dying inside this time. I love you, I wish you the best, and goodbye.
Love,
Vanessa

"You almost always pick the best time to drop the worst lines.
You almost made me cry again this time.
Another false alarm, red flashing lights.
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die.
I think I made it a game to play your game and let myself cry.
I buried myself alive on the inside,
so I could shut you out,and let you go away for a long time.
I guess it's ok I puked the day away.
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back,
you're gonna have to ask.
I think the chain broke away, and I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine.
But it was worth the night, I caught an early flight and I made it home.
I guess its ok I puked the day away
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that...
With my foot on your neck I finally have you
Right where I want you."
::the used::buried myself alive::

"From the way that you acted
To the way that I felt it
It wasn't worth my time
And now it's sad cause all I missed
Wasn't that good to begin with
And now I've started you begging
Saying things that you don't mean
It isn't worth my time
A lines a dime a million times
And I'm about to see all of them
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you You're taking up my time
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you!
You call my name when I wake up
To see things go your way
I'm coughing up my time
Each drag's a drop of blood, a grain
A minute of my life
It's all I've got just to stay down
Why the fuck am I still down
I'm hoarding all thats mine
Each time I let just one slip by
I'm wasting what is mine
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you You're taking up my time
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you!
I’m about to see a million things I thought I’d never seen before,
And I...I’m about to do all of the things I dreamed of and
I don’t even miss you at all"
::the used::bulimic::