Greener with the scenery.

Yes, I am aware I have not written in a while. I have been busy busy busy. And yes, it is 4:07 am and I am not sleeping. I was basically catching up on all the last assignments for the semester that are due today, and I still am not tired, so I am deciding to just stay up. At least I will be early to work today, haha.

Let's see, what has been going on in my world? Well, ever since Hurricane James left town, I have actually been wonderful. I decided to get my life back and made a new myspace, and I have gotten in touch with old friends and have gotten a few numbers. I have even been talking frequently to a VERY cute boy. Also, I had the greatest weekend last weekend that I have had in years. On Friday, I went with Melissa to a party. She is so sweet. She picked me up and took me to Dots and bought me a cute outfit and jewelry and a clutch so I could look smokin when we went out. She also surprised me with a gift card to Planet Beach Tan, and bought me some food to eat, and took me to the liquor store and told me to pick anything I wanted [vodka + orange juice] and then we had so much fun getting ready and going to the party. We were supposed to go to a strip club too, but I got far too drunk. I ended up getting sick in her car, so we went home, but she was okay with that. She is the sweetest person, and she made me feel so good. I called her my sugarmama cause she wouldn't stop buying me stuff, haha. Then Saturday I decided to take things into my own hands. Kim gave me Derrick's phone number, and I invited Derrick, Paul, Kim, and Natalie all to my house for a get together. Derrick and Paul brought beer, Kim brought wine, I made tacos, and we all played the wii and had a fucking badass time getting drunk and catching up. I felt so liberated that weekend, and I still do. I have been texting my friends and getting on my myspace all week without feeling scared that James will catch me, and I have just been living the way I have wanted to for a long time.

Dear James,
Ever since you left, I have been better. At first I was very sad that you told me you no longer wanted a relationship, and that you werent going to change. At first, I was going to wait for you to be a better person, even if it meant waiting my whole life. But now, my eyes have been opened to the glorious world you have hidden me away from. Don't get me wrong, I love you with all my heart and I always will. If you were to change, I would not hesitate to be with you. But I don't miss you. Correct that, I miss you, but I don't miss the person you are now. These past couple of weeks without you have been so different, and I feel so free, like I was blind and am seeing the world for the first time. I missed my friends, and it has felt so good to not fight or yell or scream. It has felt wonderful to be around people that care about me and enjoy my company and do not constantly criticize me. It is such a great feeling to be around people who do not judge me at all, and love me for who I am. It is not about the fact that now I can drink, and now I can party. It is about the fact that you changed me into someone I am not, and you sheltered me from being happy. I no longer have to clean my apartment every day, it stays clean for at least a week. Kaydence is enjoying being able to run around with Liana and not confined to her room. I am breaking out less, because I am not as stressed. I am even taking better care of my body. You made me feel worthless, so I saw no need to shower, or brush my teeth, or do something about my weight. I always figured, what is the point of trying to be pretty? You would just shut me out and put me down anyway. Now, I do it for myself. Even though it has been a short time, I am already getting my confidence back. My friends and I picked up right where we left off, and they are wonderful kind caring people. It is a shame you did not even try to get to know them. I hope you are miserable without me. I hope you can't eat, sleep, or breathe. I hope that everytime you go to sleep you think of me and dream of me, and every day you feel lonely and stupid for giving me up when I loved you no matter what and would have given you the world if I could. I bet you thought I would have begged you to come back by now, huh? Well you are wrong. You will come to regret letting me go. You will see how happy and free I am without you, and how I don't need you. I DON'T NEED YOU. I can control my own life, and be perfectly happy alone or with someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who likes my children and accepts that it's a package deal or no deal. Someone who does not constantly try to change me. Someone who likes my friends and family, and they like him too. I will love you forever, but I will not accept your abuse any longer. My chains are broken, and you will be the one dying inside this time. I love you, I wish you the best, and goodbye.
Love,
Vanessa

"You almost always pick the best time to drop the worst lines.
You almost made me cry again this time.
Another false alarm, red flashing lights.
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die.
I think I made it a game to play your game and let myself cry.
I buried myself alive on the inside,
so I could shut you out,and let you go away for a long time.
I guess it's ok I puked the day away.
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back,
you're gonna have to ask.
I think the chain broke away, and I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine.
But it was worth the night, I caught an early flight and I made it home.
I guess its ok I puked the day away
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that...
With my foot on your neck I finally have you
Right where I want you."
::the used::buried myself alive::

"From the way that you acted
To the way that I felt it
It wasn't worth my time
And now it's sad cause all I missed
Wasn't that good to begin with
And now I've started you begging
Saying things that you don't mean
It isn't worth my time
A lines a dime a million times
And I'm about to see all of them
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you You're taking up my time
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you!
You call my name when I wake up
To see things go your way
I'm coughing up my time
Each drag's a drop of blood, a grain
A minute of my life
It's all I've got just to stay down
Why the fuck am I still down
I'm hoarding all thats mine
Each time I let just one slip by
I'm wasting what is mine
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you You're taking up my time
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you!
I’m about to see a million things I thought I’d never seen before,
And I...I’m about to do all of the things I dreamed of and
I don’t even miss you at all"
::the used::bulimic::

Creep

Ugggggh. Thanksgiving was great. I was full all day haha.

It's 12:38 and I can not sleep. I have a headache that is killing me. So I'm talking to strangers on yahoo. Which is kind of nice to talk to people who know nothing about you, nothing about your quirks or problems, so they think you are perfect.

And I am still weak. Even though I kicked him out, it's like we are still dating. He still comes around, acts like nothing is wrong, kisses me, and he is always asking for the key back. But at least I'm not giving him the key back, right? This is hard...

Jessi came into town! Yay. I love Kim to death, but it is hard to hang out with her since she is so negative and always worries. So it was nice to see Jessi again, I miss her so freaking much. So we just hung out, played the Wii, by the way, Wii Music SUCKS. I didn't like it. And we smoked a teensy bit, which was nice to relax.

Last week of school yay. Oh and I have court on Monday. I hope something good happens... well I am super tired. So bye for now.

Losing Sleep

So. I did it. On Friday I did it. I kicked James out and broke up with him. I don't want to go into all the details because I might cry at my desk at work, but basically... he came home from work, he was being an ass for no reason and started saying from very mean things, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I told him to give me the key and leave. I'm worried. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing, but what if he moves on quickly? What if over the weekend he has already slept with someone else, or talked to other girls? I am hoping he is just sitting at Roy's house pouting. I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that says otherwise though. I'm not happy about our breakup, not at all. I hate sleeping alone. Last night I had a nightmare, and I had no one to console me when I woke up. Usually he is right there to comfort me and hold me until I fall asleep again. I haven't spoken to him once since he left. It's hard. I almost texted him yesterday about a shirt of mine he accidently took with him. And about the baby needing diapers even though I already got some on my own. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't care about the abuse and the controlling behavior, I just want him back and safe in my arms, so that I know he isn't with someone else. And other times, I tell myself this is for the best, and now I can do all those things I wasn't allowed to do, and that it won't hurt if I just hold on. If I do see him with someone else though, it would absolutely kill me. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate HATE it. I want to run back into his arms so bad. I can't stop loving him. I don't want to stop. I want him to change, be nice, and miss me so much that he is willing to be the person I fell in love with again, willing to be the best partner and husband for me.

This is the hardest thing ever. I got horribly drunk on Saturday at my brothers with Kim and Dylan trying to forget. It's funny. I look like I am fine, and I seem totally normal, as though I'm okay and I'm happy I'm moving on. But when I am home with just the kids, I am miserable. I am lonely. The only good thing that has come from this for me is that I have a clean home and it actually stays clean since he isn't there to mess it up. Nobody understands how I feel. They all keep saying, "oh he didn't deserve you, he was an ass, you will find a hot guy and move on, and now you can do whatever you want." I DON'T CARE. No one understands. This man was my ENTIRE WORLD. My whole life revolved around him. I have never felt this way about anyone, and I have never seen myself with someone for the rest of my life except him. He didn't cheat, he didn't drink or do drugs or smoke cigarettes, he made me laugh, he knew how make me melt. To be totally and completely honest, I am not doing this so I can move on. I am doing this only for the simple hope that it will awaken him and make him realize that I will live alone without him for the rest of my life. I will not take his crap. I don't need him. But if he decides to change, I will be here with open arms.

"I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?.
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad? you feel sad?
I'm sorry, hell no fuck that!
It was my heart, it was my life,
it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long,
and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you,
And told you that I loved you,
every time I fucked you.
The future that we both drew,
and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you,
the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts."
[myblackdahlia::hollywoodundead]

Merry Happy

I really, REALLY like Kate Nash. She is a singer, and I can relate to her lyrics so much. Her voice is beautiful, and her songs are so pretty and catchy, I get them stuck in my head for days.

"I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep."
[the nicest thing]

" My fingertips are holding onto the
Cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight,
I know its not right,
every time that your upset and I smile,
I know I should forget,
but I can't. "
[foundations]

"And I'm sitting at home on a Friday night and I hope everything's going to be alright
This is my face, I've got a thousand opinions and not the time to explain
And this is my body, and no matter how you try and disable it, I'll still be here
And, this, is my mind, and although you try to infringe you cannot confine
And, this, is my brain, and even if you try and hold me back there's nothing that you can gain."
[mouthwash]

"Why are you being a dick head for?
Stop being a dick head.
Why are you being a dick head for?
You're just fucking up situations.
Think you know everything,
You really don't know nothing.
I wish that you were more intelligent,
So you could see that what you are doing is.
So shitty, to me.
Thirty five, People couldn't count.
On two hands the amount of times you made me stop,
Stop and think why are you being such a dickhead for?
Cos my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore.
My brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore."
[dickhead]

"It is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
it is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of shit, your full of shit)
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of it, your full of it)"
[the shit song]

"well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up.
sometimes I think that you hate me.
And other times I think that you think I'm endearing
sometimes I just don't know you at all,
even though i'd like to think i was a bit of a know-it-all.
well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up."
[stitching leggings]

"It's just sometimes,
When like
You're feeling a bit down or whatever,
You tend to like, lose sight of things,
Like your perspective and stuff,
And like everything's worse than it actually is,
Ya know what I mean,
Yeah yeah I know,
Sometimes in our lives,
We can lose sight of things,
They seem worse than in eyes than they actually have been,
Got to keep in our minds some positive ,
Some people it's not a choice if you live,
Life goes up and life goes down,
Life can be so bad and then turn around,
Got to keep two feet on the ground,
Got to keep in our minds everything's not black and white,
Gotta fight for our rights,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright
Try 'n' give us a smile and everything'll be alright,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright,
Try 'n' give us a smile,
Don't get how someone would buy stuff you don't need,
Too much money, drugs, sleep, sugar, clothes
Whatever,
All of it will make you feel like shit if you have too much of the same thing,
Just balance it out a bit,
Go for walks, read the news, get some good, loyal friends, let yourself be amused by little things,
And remember- be in tact, stay calm and deep breathe."
[a is for asthma and annoying]

Guernica

"Is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear, but you forget to wind."

Another day, another fight with James today. I just got back from my lunch, crying and trying to hide the fact that I was crying from the douches in my office. There is absolutely no communication between us. Or rather just him. I talk, he ignores. And ignoring me and making fun of me getting upset makes me mad to the point where I break stuff, such as when I kicked a hole in the door before I left.

You know how I sad that I would wait until our four year anniversery? I don't think I can take this that much longer. I think I will kill him by then. I think that it is going to be cut much, MUCH shorter. Like maybe to next month. I can not do this anymore. Melissa said he has no respect for me, and I need to just flip a switch, shut off my emotions, and kick him to the curb. It's going to hurt like hell, but it needs to be done.

I was reading my old journal from high school today, from when I was dating the first James, Kaydence's dad (xanga.com/scarsandstars). There were a lot of memories there. I used to be so strong and fun and had a fun life, but I was still obsessed with a man and let him get the best of me. And now I have no life and I am weak and I am still letting a man get the best of me. Four years changed so much, yet changed so little.

Time to put my big girl panties on and get back to work.

I can be my own best friend.

Didn't write last week, I meant to, but I kept getting sidetracked. Believe me, I kept thinking about it though.

Had a spat last week at work with one of the ladies I hate the most. I didn't even see it coming. She just walked up to me and started going off about me not doing my job that she asked, when I was actually in the middle of doing it. I don't know why she acts like my boss when she is clearly not. Long story short, I told her off and point blank asked her if she has something against me because ever since I started working here she has been on my case every day she comes in, and she huffily answered "no" and stomped back to her office.

Besides that, I had a decent weekend. I got three pieces of Tarina Tarantino jewelry, one Ed Hardy shirt, and a REAL Coach bag! All for considerably cheaper than they actually cost, so I was quite excited. The only downside is, I have only $63 left in my bank account. Which is bad. See, I really think I might have a compulsive shopping addiction, and I just buy stuff without thinking. I mean, I calculate it in my mind, but I always end up going, "Well, if just make X amount before the first of the month, I will be fine!" So this is the X amount I need:
As of now I have $63.
My dad owes me $150 for the purse.
James is supposed to help me with at least $50.
I also am expecting a child support check of $170.
And a rebate for my printer of $70.
So that makes...$503.
Minus $365 for rent, and $120 for daycare...
That makes $18. So IF I actually get the money I am supposed to, I should be okay. But just to be safe, I should probably try to come up with at least $100 or so. Time to sell more stuff...
Ah, the addiction of fashion. A little person like me just wants to look like I have fashion and money and style too, even it costs me my rent. Sad.

Oh and I should probably write stuff down before I forget it. I am being so neglectful lately. I haven't done homework for school in about two weeks, and it's affecting my grades. Ugh. But since this is the most random post ever, I will type out lists that I need to keep handy in the near future.

Here is a list of things I need to buy people for Christmas:
Mom - yoga mat
Jim - Minnesota Vikings hat or house slippers
Tanner - Giftcard to gamestop
Christian - same thing
Emma - girly stuff like makeup
Joell - blanket from spencers gifts, or a cool necklace or ring
Kim - probably some cute jewelry
Jessi - Those A&F pants, and probably a cute shirt or something
Grandma - Mary Engelbret desk calender
Grandpa - tie or socks
James - hasn't really decided, but keeps mentioning a paintball jersey
Dad - he told me but I forgot, but I do remember it was more than $50 :[ ugh.
Liana - some kind of toy she can push or ride on
Kaydence - I'm thinking movies or barbie stuff

DVD's of Seasons I need to still buy:
1. Season 3 of Flavor of Love
2. Season 1 and 2 of I love New York
3. Season 5 of Nip/Tuck
4. Season 6 of Degrassi
5. Season 1 and 2 of Rock of Love
6. Season 1 of Dirt
7. Seasons 3, 4, and 5 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force
8. Season 3 and 4 of Dinosaurs
9. Season 1 of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job
10. All Seasons of Inuyasha
11. All Seasons of Full Metal Alchemist
12. Season 1 and 2 of The Brak Show
13. All Seasons of Aeon Flux
14. All Seasons of Sealab 2021
15. All Seasons of Space Ghost Coast to Coast
16. All Seasons of Clarissa Explains it All
17. All Seasons of My So Called Life
18. All Seasons of Fraggle Rock

That's all I can think of for now. Time to get back to work.

Bills Bills Bills

Ugh, I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I have 4 bills due right now, and I can choose to pay the two small ones or one big one. Either way, I'm going to have to tell my dad to wait for me to pay him for my insurance, and I'm going to have to ask James to help me. Stupid child support... I hate when it is late. I hate the Attorney General. They SUCK when it comes to child support.

I started talking to Melissa again, oh God I missed her. She is so sweet and funny.

Spoke to Jessi yesterday too. She's homesick, and I'm Jessisick. I can't wait for her to come back for Thanksgiving! If you are reading this Jess, I miss you!

Blah, my boss is bitching at me AGAIN for something stupid. It really bothers me how she expects me to do this dumptruck load of work in one day, and then emails me when I don't. I'm not a freaking SuperWoman Employee. At least Pat is back from her New Orleans trip, so now I have someone to talk to.

Man I'm starving. I need to figure out a way to buy a treadmill so I can start running.
I guess I will go back to work now, the boss is still griping.

November Has Come

So its November finally... and it's still hot outside. On one hand, I like this because I hate winters in Texas. It's freezing and there is no snow, just sleet and ice, and I always get either strep throat or bronchitis, so I am enjoying the autumn weather. On the other hand, I want to wear my jackets :[ and I keep thinking that since it is staying warm so long, that means when it finally does get cold, it will stretch until probably April or May, which is gay.

On a side note, I hate my job. Correct that. I like my job, it is awfully easy, I just hate the people I work with. Every attorney here is an asshole. I have never met people that think so low of me, just because I am not one of them. Even the Accounts Payable lady is a heinous bitch to me for no apparant reason. I highly suspect it is because I am not wealthy, I am young, I already have two children and I am young, I have tattoos that are visible [even though they are not tacky or tasteless], and I do not care about law or their awesome lives with all their money and work. The paralegal here is a doll, I love Pat. She is the only one who is nice to me, because she hates everyone here just as much as I do. And I realize work is work, it is not fun. But seriously, these people are just cold and rude for no reason at all, and it no secret how many people started working and then quit working for them in such a short period of time. You would think when you have at least 20 employees in the past 4-5 months that quit after a month or less, you would wake up realize something is wrong with your company and the people that we little people are working under. But no, not Hoffman Kelley, they can do no wrong. It is us little people that do not meet their standards. I mean, come on, yeah so I didn't name that file correctly, and yes I am late getting the umpteenth task you have sent me done because I am extremely busy with all this work all five of the attorneys have piled onto me because the people who WERE doing those tasks quit, so you handed it to me. But I'm only human, is it really necessary to email me about my mistake, as well as email EVERY. SINGLE. OTHER. ATTORNEY about my mistake? That is just cruel. Not to mention, you guys need to understand that when I need to leave work early to pick up my kids because they are sick or something, which doesn't really happen that often, you need to stop giving me dirty looks on my way out on the rare occasion I do need to leave and go be a mother to my children.

I wish I could say all that to their faces.

In other news, I have made my mind up about James. I love him. I really love him, I am in love with him, I want to marry him and be his wife and have a wedding and at least have one more kid, hopefully a boy, and grow old together and spend the rest of my life with him. And although he says this is what he wants too, his actions say otherwise. We have been together 3 years and 4 months. We also have a daughter who is 17 months old. I'm not asking to get married tomorrow. All I would like is a decent proposal, with a ring, and a promise that from that moment on we will be engaged and I can at least be a fiancee, and that we can start planning our wedding. It's not much to ask of, I think. He has that come April or whenever he gets his tax returns, he plans on buying me a ring and doing that. He SAYS this. However, I think at least once a week, he complains about how much he hates living with me. And how much he doesn't even know why he is with me. And how if I even look at something having to do with a wedding or engagement, it scares him off. And how he doesn't believe in romance. And how he does not have to be a father figure for Kaydence [my daughter from a previous relationship]. And how sometimes he doesn't even see himself with me, and he knows we won't be together forever. Now, my question to this is, if you are saying all these things to my face, why are you still with me then? I never stopped you from leaving. And his reply is always, "because I love you, and I don't want to make you sad." Uh, hello? You are making me horribly depressed by stringing me along thinking one day I will be your wife, when really you don't even think we will be together in a few years. So here is my plan. I have dealt with this long enough, and I am tired. It is exhausting to put all my effort into saving our relationship, and trying to get him to communicate and tell me what I'm doing/not doing or saying/not saying. It is annoying to come home everyday to someone who always has something negative to say to me, and always has to call me names, or tell me what I did wrong. I can not wait on him for the rest of my life and waste the next 10 years waiting and waiting, only to have him turn around in 10 years and say, "sorry for wasting your time but I don't love you and I haven't for a long time, and I don't think I will. " So my plan is to wait until he gets his tax returns. By that time, he should have a lot of his debt paid off anyway, and I will have all of mine paid off and I will have a lot more money than I do now, that way if things don't work out then I really don't even need his help with money. If he gets his tax returns, and does not propose to me, I will wait until our fourth anniversary in June, just to give him some leniancy because I love him. If by our fourth anniversary, he STILL has not taken any sort of step towards fixing our relationship, if he STILL has not proposed to me, and our relationship is still exactly at the not-so-wondeful status it is right now, I am done. I can't do it anymore. I can't waste my time hoping and wishing for something that will never happen. I can no longer continue to be the only one in this relationship who tries. And it will suck really bad, and I will probably be a horrible wreck and I will cry for weeks, but I have to do it. So my mind is made up. James has until June 30, 2009 to do something, ANYTHING to save this relationship.

I think this is a good idea. I hope it is anyway.

Puppy Love

So after some begging and pleading and complaining of how lonely I am all the time since I am always stuck at home with the kids and he's not, James finally let me get the puppy :] I also had to barter with him and let him get the stupid paintball gun he wants, and do some sexual favors. It's really sad that I am almost 21, living on my own, paying all my bills, have two children, a fulltime job, and I am a fulltime student, yet I have to ask my boyfriend (not husband) permission to do things, and on top of that, he makes it even more humiliating for me by demanding sexual favors or else he will not agree to let me get/do something I want.

Yes, I realize I am in a controlling relationship with a control freak. And yes, I realize that he is verbally abusive, and loves to humiliate me and belittle me whenever possible. Yet, I stay. Because love is blind, and I would rather wear these rose-colored glasses and be loved by the person I had a family with than alone, even if it is with a man who sometimes I wish would just... ugh.

I'm not defending him, but 50% of the time, he is the person I fell in love with. But the other 50% is just awful. I always walk on eggshells around him. We will be getting along fine, and everything will be wonderful, and then I do one teeny little thing wrong that I didn't even know about, and BOOM everything is ruined and he goes from Dr. Jeckyll to Mr. Jerkoff. I know he is bipolar. He has to be. That is the only thing that could possibly explain these bizarre overreactions and mood swings. But he was not raised the way I was, so treatment and psychological disorders and medicines are stupid to him, and do not apply to him. He doesn't have the problem, it's me with the problem. *le sigh*

Anyway, my puppy is very cute. The lady from the website said her name was Maggie, and while this is a cute name, I just don't like it. It reminds me of the baby from the Simpsons. Luckily, when I was adopting her, the lady said that she doesn't really call her Maggie, she just calls all the puppies "babies" so I decided to dub her with the new name "Bella," which I think is so pretty. She is just the cutest little thing, and so sweet. She warmed up to us very quickly, and now she is content to just lay in my lap or play with me. And I must admit, as much as I feel sorry for some animals that are dressed up by their owners, I think a shirt or a sweater for winter are okay, and maybe some cute outfits for the holidays, haha.

Well, for now I shall go back to work, even though it's boring and I would rather be sleeping. I really dislike my job, but we will save that rant for another time.

Songbird in a Cage

Things I am not allowed to have/do because of my boyfriend:
1. More tattoos.
2. Pets.
3. Nail polish.
4. Friends he does not approve of.
5. Connections with men whatsoever unless it is family or work, NO FRIENDS.
6. Clothes he does not like, he will rip them up.
7. Going to clubs, parties, hookah bars, bars, etc.
8. Drinking, smoking (smoking is understandable, but drinks are okay once in a while, he says NEVER).
9. High heels because he thinks they are "hoe shoes."
10. Wear my grey skinny jeans in public because he hates them, even though they are my fave pair.
11. Hang up pictures in the apartment that he does not like, this includes art that I spent over $100 on.
12. Friends over unless he is there.
13. A myspace, blog, facebook, or whatever other social networking sites there are.
14. Be on the phone with a friend in front of him, he finds it annoying and he will leave.
15. Have Liana with me to go drop off Kaydence with her dad even though it takes 5 seconds, I have to find a baby sitter for those 5 seconds.
16. Pictures of me and friends that he does not like.
17. Anything from past friendships or relationships, or from the past in general because he is ashamed of my past for some reason even though there is nothing wrong with my past before him.
18. Food that he thinks "will make me fatter."
19. More than one earring in each ear.
20. Contacts, he likes my glasses even though contacts would be more conveniant for me.

This is just a small sample. I'm sure the list will grow once I think about it. It is getting very tiring, and it is not fair that he makes me choose between these luxuries and having him walk out of my life, or keeping him and not getting any one of these.

Build Me The Moon

So here I am officially, blogging. I am not new to this, I just haven't blogged in a while and it's nice to have something to vent my frustrations to when I am feeling overwhelmed or underloved. I can't blog in a Myspace, because I dont have one because of James. Also, I don't want to blog on Facebook because there are a lot of things I just don't want all my friends to know. And I can't keep a diary at home, because James will probably find it and read it. So I ended up here.

Speaking of James, he is probably the main reason I am here. Kim is busy a lot and always focuses on Dylan, Jessi never picks up her phone, Stevie is dead, and since Julia and I are no longer friends it doesn't leave me very many options on who to talk to when I am feeling upset or need advice. Not to mention, I have read reports on how if you vent to someone, it makes the problem worse because you start to get really angry and negative towards the person you are venting about. I can understand that because when I used to vent to Julia, she would tell me I didn't need him, and then I would get mad and say, "Yeah I don't need James!" and then I would go do things behind his back which I still feel awful about. Thankfully, I have gotten out of the habit of doing those things. In the end, I love James very much and the guilt was killing me and due to almost getting caught a few times, it scared me and I stopped.

So now, here I am and my relationship is better but I fear that I will always be his girlfriend, never his wife. I see his sister, who has been with Felipe since highschool and they have two kids, and they never got married, and she is always at home with the kids while Felipe does whatever he wants, and he ended up cheating on her. I fear me and James are going down this same path. He goes out, and although he isn't going to clubs or to girls or anything that would piss me off, he is having a lot more fun thant I am. Here is what my week looks like:
Work. School. Homework. Kids. Work. School. Homework. Kids. Cleaning. More cleaning. Grocery shopping. Paying bills. Rinse. Repeat.

Sad. And James week?

Movies with Roy. Work. Sleeping till noon. Work. Playing video games. Seeing another movie. Playing more video games. Telling me to take care of the kids because he is doing something. Leaving a mess for me to clean up. Sleeping. Eating. Work. Paintball. Work. Spending a few hours with me, complaining that he is bored. Seeing another movie with Roy.

My boyfriend obviously has a more exciting week than I do. And no, its not the most fun activities, but the point is, he NEVER has to take the kids to do any of those things. And I have the kids no matter what, 24/7. I can't even do my homework until after 9 when they go to sleep. We have been together for THREE YEARS and everything is still the same. And today I cried again, because despite me dealing with all of it anyways, and despite us having a child together, and despite me even letting him live with me for free, no bills at all, and despite me being there for him for EVERYTHING, he will not put a ring on my finger. He keeps saying he will, but that he just doesn't have the money. So then, when a Helzberg Diamonds catalog comes in the mail, I flip throughout and longingly stare at the engagement rings and circle some and leave it on the couch casually as a sort of hint. He looked at it. But apparently, according to him, "when you force things like that on me, I get scared and then I don't want to be close. I don't need to hold your hand for everything Vanessa. We don't have to be so close." Wow. After three years and a child, you're right. I obviously am just so desperate and a moron. Excuse me for asking you to be close to me by accompanying me to the grocery store. And excuse me for wanting to watch you play paintball just one time, since you do go every single weekend and always leave me at home with the kids, even though when I want to go somewhere I always have to take them. But the paintball thing, no I can't even WATCH you have fun.

I am a drudge. And this will be my life forever. I will always cry. He will never marry me. He won't even propose to me. He is perfectly content with the way our life is at this exact moment, and he does not want it to change.

Give me warning
Give me a clue
Tell me anything
As long as it's true
Give me heartache
That’s what you do
Tell me you want me
I’m sick of being used
I’ll send my heart to you
But you never care
You never do
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
Yeah, oh…
You didn’t know
That I cry
In my room
Every night
Maybe it’s not
‘Cause of you
But it’d be easier
If you needed me too
I send my heart to you
But you never care
You never do
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
Yeah, no…
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
I cannot stop
I cannot smile
I know we weren’t meant to be
But I want you here with me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon