So after some begging and pleading and complaining of how lonely I am all the time since I am always stuck at home with the kids and he's not, James finally let me get the puppy :] I also had to barter with him and let him get the stupid paintball gun he wants, and do some sexual favors. It's really sad that I am almost 21, living on my own, paying all my bills, have two children, a fulltime job, and I am a fulltime student, yet I have to ask my boyfriend (not husband) permission to do things, and on top of that, he makes it even more humiliating for me by demanding sexual favors or else he will not agree to let me get/do something I want.
Yes, I realize I am in a controlling relationship with a control freak. And yes, I realize that he is verbally abusive, and loves to humiliate me and belittle me whenever possible. Yet, I stay. Because love is blind, and I would rather wear these rose-colored glasses and be loved by the person I had a family with than alone, even if it is with a man who sometimes I wish would just... ugh.
I'm not defending him, but 50% of the time, he is the person I fell in love with. But the other 50% is just awful. I always walk on eggshells around him. We will be getting along fine, and everything will be wonderful, and then I do one teeny little thing wrong that I didn't even know about, and BOOM everything is ruined and he goes from Dr. Jeckyll to Mr. Jerkoff. I know he is bipolar. He has to be. That is the only thing that could possibly explain these bizarre overreactions and mood swings. But he was not raised the way I was, so treatment and psychological disorders and medicines are stupid to him, and do not apply to him. He doesn't have the problem, it's me with the problem. *le sigh*
Anyway, my puppy is very cute. The lady from the website said her name was Maggie, and while this is a cute name, I just don't like it. It reminds me of the baby from the Simpsons. Luckily, when I was adopting her, the lady said that she doesn't really call her Maggie, she just calls all the puppies "babies" so I decided to dub her with the new name "Bella," which I think is so pretty. She is just the cutest little thing, and so sweet. She warmed up to us very quickly, and now she is content to just lay in my lap or play with me. And I must admit, as much as I feel sorry for some animals that are dressed up by their owners, I think a shirt or a sweater for winter are okay, and maybe some cute outfits for the holidays, haha.
Well, for now I shall go back to work, even though it's boring and I would rather be sleeping. I really dislike my job, but we will save that rant for another time.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Songbird in a Cage
Things I am not allowed to have/do because of my boyfriend:
1. More tattoos.
2. Pets.
3. Nail polish.
4. Friends he does not approve of.
5. Connections with men whatsoever unless it is family or work, NO FRIENDS.
6. Clothes he does not like, he will rip them up.
7. Going to clubs, parties, hookah bars, bars, etc.
8. Drinking, smoking (smoking is understandable, but drinks are okay once in a while, he says NEVER).
9. High heels because he thinks they are "hoe shoes."
10. Wear my grey skinny jeans in public because he hates them, even though they are my fave pair.
11. Hang up pictures in the apartment that he does not like, this includes art that I spent over $100 on.
12. Friends over unless he is there.
13. A myspace, blog, facebook, or whatever other social networking sites there are.
14. Be on the phone with a friend in front of him, he finds it annoying and he will leave.
15. Have Liana with me to go drop off Kaydence with her dad even though it takes 5 seconds, I have to find a baby sitter for those 5 seconds.
16. Pictures of me and friends that he does not like.
17. Anything from past friendships or relationships, or from the past in general because he is ashamed of my past for some reason even though there is nothing wrong with my past before him.
18. Food that he thinks "will make me fatter."
19. More than one earring in each ear.
20. Contacts, he likes my glasses even though contacts would be more conveniant for me.
This is just a small sample. I'm sure the list will grow once I think about it. It is getting very tiring, and it is not fair that he makes me choose between these luxuries and having him walk out of my life, or keeping him and not getting any one of these.
1. More tattoos.
2. Pets.
3. Nail polish.
4. Friends he does not approve of.
5. Connections with men whatsoever unless it is family or work, NO FRIENDS.
6. Clothes he does not like, he will rip them up.
7. Going to clubs, parties, hookah bars, bars, etc.
8. Drinking, smoking (smoking is understandable, but drinks are okay once in a while, he says NEVER).
9. High heels because he thinks they are "hoe shoes."
10. Wear my grey skinny jeans in public because he hates them, even though they are my fave pair.
11. Hang up pictures in the apartment that he does not like, this includes art that I spent over $100 on.
12. Friends over unless he is there.
13. A myspace, blog, facebook, or whatever other social networking sites there are.
14. Be on the phone with a friend in front of him, he finds it annoying and he will leave.
15. Have Liana with me to go drop off Kaydence with her dad even though it takes 5 seconds, I have to find a baby sitter for those 5 seconds.
16. Pictures of me and friends that he does not like.
17. Anything from past friendships or relationships, or from the past in general because he is ashamed of my past for some reason even though there is nothing wrong with my past before him.
18. Food that he thinks "will make me fatter."
19. More than one earring in each ear.
20. Contacts, he likes my glasses even though contacts would be more conveniant for me.
This is just a small sample. I'm sure the list will grow once I think about it. It is getting very tiring, and it is not fair that he makes me choose between these luxuries and having him walk out of my life, or keeping him and not getting any one of these.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Build Me The Moon
So here I am officially, blogging. I am not new to this, I just haven't blogged in a while and it's nice to have something to vent my frustrations to when I am feeling overwhelmed or underloved. I can't blog in a Myspace, because I dont have one because of James. Also, I don't want to blog on Facebook because there are a lot of things I just don't want all my friends to know. And I can't keep a diary at home, because James will probably find it and read it. So I ended up here.
Speaking of James, he is probably the main reason I am here. Kim is busy a lot and always focuses on Dylan, Jessi never picks up her phone, Stevie is dead, and since Julia and I are no longer friends it doesn't leave me very many options on who to talk to when I am feeling upset or need advice. Not to mention, I have read reports on how if you vent to someone, it makes the problem worse because you start to get really angry and negative towards the person you are venting about. I can understand that because when I used to vent to Julia, she would tell me I didn't need him, and then I would get mad and say, "Yeah I don't need James!" and then I would go do things behind his back which I still feel awful about. Thankfully, I have gotten out of the habit of doing those things. In the end, I love James very much and the guilt was killing me and due to almost getting caught a few times, it scared me and I stopped.
So now, here I am and my relationship is better but I fear that I will always be his girlfriend, never his wife. I see his sister, who has been with Felipe since highschool and they have two kids, and they never got married, and she is always at home with the kids while Felipe does whatever he wants, and he ended up cheating on her. I fear me and James are going down this same path. He goes out, and although he isn't going to clubs or to girls or anything that would piss me off, he is having a lot more fun thant I am. Here is what my week looks like:
Work. School. Homework. Kids. Work. School. Homework. Kids. Cleaning. More cleaning. Grocery shopping. Paying bills. Rinse. Repeat.
Sad. And James week?
Movies with Roy. Work. Sleeping till noon. Work. Playing video games. Seeing another movie. Playing more video games. Telling me to take care of the kids because he is doing something. Leaving a mess for me to clean up. Sleeping. Eating. Work. Paintball. Work. Spending a few hours with me, complaining that he is bored. Seeing another movie with Roy.
My boyfriend obviously has a more exciting week than I do. And no, its not the most fun activities, but the point is, he NEVER has to take the kids to do any of those things. And I have the kids no matter what, 24/7. I can't even do my homework until after 9 when they go to sleep. We have been together for THREE YEARS and everything is still the same. And today I cried again, because despite me dealing with all of it anyways, and despite us having a child together, and despite me even letting him live with me for free, no bills at all, and despite me being there for him for EVERYTHING, he will not put a ring on my finger. He keeps saying he will, but that he just doesn't have the money. So then, when a Helzberg Diamonds catalog comes in the mail, I flip throughout and longingly stare at the engagement rings and circle some and leave it on the couch casually as a sort of hint. He looked at it. But apparently, according to him, "when you force things like that on me, I get scared and then I don't want to be close. I don't need to hold your hand for everything Vanessa. We don't have to be so close." Wow. After three years and a child, you're right. I obviously am just so desperate and a moron. Excuse me for asking you to be close to me by accompanying me to the grocery store. And excuse me for wanting to watch you play paintball just one time, since you do go every single weekend and always leave me at home with the kids, even though when I want to go somewhere I always have to take them. But the paintball thing, no I can't even WATCH you have fun.
I am a drudge. And this will be my life forever. I will always cry. He will never marry me. He won't even propose to me. He is perfectly content with the way our life is at this exact moment, and he does not want it to change.
Give me warning
Give me a clue
Tell me anything
As long as it's true
Give me heartache
That’s what you do
Tell me you want me
I’m sick of being used
I’ll send my heart to you
But you never care
You never do
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
Yeah, oh…
You didn’t know
That I cry
In my room
Every night
Maybe it’s not
‘Cause of you
But it’d be easier
If you needed me too
I send my heart to you
But you never care
You never do
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
Yeah, no…
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
I cannot stop
I cannot smile
I know we weren’t meant to be
But I want you here with me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
Speaking of James, he is probably the main reason I am here. Kim is busy a lot and always focuses on Dylan, Jessi never picks up her phone, Stevie is dead, and since Julia and I are no longer friends it doesn't leave me very many options on who to talk to when I am feeling upset or need advice. Not to mention, I have read reports on how if you vent to someone, it makes the problem worse because you start to get really angry and negative towards the person you are venting about. I can understand that because when I used to vent to Julia, she would tell me I didn't need him, and then I would get mad and say, "Yeah I don't need James!" and then I would go do things behind his back which I still feel awful about. Thankfully, I have gotten out of the habit of doing those things. In the end, I love James very much and the guilt was killing me and due to almost getting caught a few times, it scared me and I stopped.
So now, here I am and my relationship is better but I fear that I will always be his girlfriend, never his wife. I see his sister, who has been with Felipe since highschool and they have two kids, and they never got married, and she is always at home with the kids while Felipe does whatever he wants, and he ended up cheating on her. I fear me and James are going down this same path. He goes out, and although he isn't going to clubs or to girls or anything that would piss me off, he is having a lot more fun thant I am. Here is what my week looks like:
Work. School. Homework. Kids. Work. School. Homework. Kids. Cleaning. More cleaning. Grocery shopping. Paying bills. Rinse. Repeat.
Sad. And James week?
Movies with Roy. Work. Sleeping till noon. Work. Playing video games. Seeing another movie. Playing more video games. Telling me to take care of the kids because he is doing something. Leaving a mess for me to clean up. Sleeping. Eating. Work. Paintball. Work. Spending a few hours with me, complaining that he is bored. Seeing another movie with Roy.
My boyfriend obviously has a more exciting week than I do. And no, its not the most fun activities, but the point is, he NEVER has to take the kids to do any of those things. And I have the kids no matter what, 24/7. I can't even do my homework until after 9 when they go to sleep. We have been together for THREE YEARS and everything is still the same. And today I cried again, because despite me dealing with all of it anyways, and despite us having a child together, and despite me even letting him live with me for free, no bills at all, and despite me being there for him for EVERYTHING, he will not put a ring on my finger. He keeps saying he will, but that he just doesn't have the money. So then, when a Helzberg Diamonds catalog comes in the mail, I flip throughout and longingly stare at the engagement rings and circle some and leave it on the couch casually as a sort of hint. He looked at it. But apparently, according to him, "when you force things like that on me, I get scared and then I don't want to be close. I don't need to hold your hand for everything Vanessa. We don't have to be so close." Wow. After three years and a child, you're right. I obviously am just so desperate and a moron. Excuse me for asking you to be close to me by accompanying me to the grocery store. And excuse me for wanting to watch you play paintball just one time, since you do go every single weekend and always leave me at home with the kids, even though when I want to go somewhere I always have to take them. But the paintball thing, no I can't even WATCH you have fun.
I am a drudge. And this will be my life forever. I will always cry. He will never marry me. He won't even propose to me. He is perfectly content with the way our life is at this exact moment, and he does not want it to change.
Give me warning
Give me a clue
Tell me anything
As long as it's true
Give me heartache
That’s what you do
Tell me you want me
I’m sick of being used
I’ll send my heart to you
But you never care
You never do
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
Yeah, oh…
You didn’t know
That I cry
In my room
Every night
Maybe it’s not
‘Cause of you
But it’d be easier
If you needed me too
I send my heart to you
But you never care
You never do
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
Yeah, no…
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
I cannot stop
I cannot smile
I know we weren’t meant to be
But I want you here with me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
So build me your bridges
Build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me soon
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