Ugggggh. Thanksgiving was great. I was full all day haha.
It's 12:38 and I can not sleep. I have a headache that is killing me. So I'm talking to strangers on yahoo. Which is kind of nice to talk to people who know nothing about you, nothing about your quirks or problems, so they think you are perfect.
And I am still weak. Even though I kicked him out, it's like we are still dating. He still comes around, acts like nothing is wrong, kisses me, and he is always asking for the key back. But at least I'm not giving him the key back, right? This is hard...
Jessi came into town! Yay. I love Kim to death, but it is hard to hang out with her since she is so negative and always worries. So it was nice to see Jessi again, I miss her so freaking much. So we just hung out, played the Wii, by the way, Wii Music SUCKS. I didn't like it. And we smoked a teensy bit, which was nice to relax.
Last week of school yay. Oh and I have court on Monday. I hope something good happens... well I am super tired. So bye for now.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Losing Sleep
So. I did it. On Friday I did it. I kicked James out and broke up with him. I don't want to go into all the details because I might cry at my desk at work, but basically... he came home from work, he was being an ass for no reason and started saying from very mean things, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I told him to give me the key and leave. I'm worried. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing, but what if he moves on quickly? What if over the weekend he has already slept with someone else, or talked to other girls? I am hoping he is just sitting at Roy's house pouting. I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that says otherwise though. I'm not happy about our breakup, not at all. I hate sleeping alone. Last night I had a nightmare, and I had no one to console me when I woke up. Usually he is right there to comfort me and hold me until I fall asleep again. I haven't spoken to him once since he left. It's hard. I almost texted him yesterday about a shirt of mine he accidently took with him. And about the baby needing diapers even though I already got some on my own. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't care about the abuse and the controlling behavior, I just want him back and safe in my arms, so that I know he isn't with someone else. And other times, I tell myself this is for the best, and now I can do all those things I wasn't allowed to do, and that it won't hurt if I just hold on. If I do see him with someone else though, it would absolutely kill me. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate HATE it. I want to run back into his arms so bad. I can't stop loving him. I don't want to stop. I want him to change, be nice, and miss me so much that he is willing to be the person I fell in love with again, willing to be the best partner and husband for me.
This is the hardest thing ever. I got horribly drunk on Saturday at my brothers with Kim and Dylan trying to forget. It's funny. I look like I am fine, and I seem totally normal, as though I'm okay and I'm happy I'm moving on. But when I am home with just the kids, I am miserable. I am lonely. The only good thing that has come from this for me is that I have a clean home and it actually stays clean since he isn't there to mess it up. Nobody understands how I feel. They all keep saying, "oh he didn't deserve you, he was an ass, you will find a hot guy and move on, and now you can do whatever you want." I DON'T CARE. No one understands. This man was my ENTIRE WORLD. My whole life revolved around him. I have never felt this way about anyone, and I have never seen myself with someone for the rest of my life except him. He didn't cheat, he didn't drink or do drugs or smoke cigarettes, he made me laugh, he knew how make me melt. To be totally and completely honest, I am not doing this so I can move on. I am doing this only for the simple hope that it will awaken him and make him realize that I will live alone without him for the rest of my life. I will not take his crap. I don't need him. But if he decides to change, I will be here with open arms.
"I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?.
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad? you feel sad?
I'm sorry, hell no fuck that!
It was my heart, it was my life,
it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long,
and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you,
And told you that I loved you,
every time I fucked you.
The future that we both drew,
and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you,
the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts."
[myblackdahlia::hollywoodundead]
This is the hardest thing ever. I got horribly drunk on Saturday at my brothers with Kim and Dylan trying to forget. It's funny. I look like I am fine, and I seem totally normal, as though I'm okay and I'm happy I'm moving on. But when I am home with just the kids, I am miserable. I am lonely. The only good thing that has come from this for me is that I have a clean home and it actually stays clean since he isn't there to mess it up. Nobody understands how I feel. They all keep saying, "oh he didn't deserve you, he was an ass, you will find a hot guy and move on, and now you can do whatever you want." I DON'T CARE. No one understands. This man was my ENTIRE WORLD. My whole life revolved around him. I have never felt this way about anyone, and I have never seen myself with someone for the rest of my life except him. He didn't cheat, he didn't drink or do drugs or smoke cigarettes, he made me laugh, he knew how make me melt. To be totally and completely honest, I am not doing this so I can move on. I am doing this only for the simple hope that it will awaken him and make him realize that I will live alone without him for the rest of my life. I will not take his crap. I don't need him. But if he decides to change, I will be here with open arms.
"I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?.
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad? you feel sad?
I'm sorry, hell no fuck that!
It was my heart, it was my life,
it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long,
and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you,
And told you that I loved you,
every time I fucked you.
The future that we both drew,
and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you,
the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts."
[myblackdahlia::hollywoodundead]
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Merry Happy
I really, REALLY like Kate Nash. She is a singer, and I can relate to her lyrics so much. Her voice is beautiful, and her songs are so pretty and catchy, I get them stuck in my head for days.
"I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep."
[the nicest thing]
" My fingertips are holding onto the
Cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight,
I know its not right,
every time that your upset and I smile,
I know I should forget,
but I can't. "
[foundations]
"And I'm sitting at home on a Friday night and I hope everything's going to be alright
This is my face, I've got a thousand opinions and not the time to explain
And this is my body, and no matter how you try and disable it, I'll still be here
And, this, is my mind, and although you try to infringe you cannot confine
And, this, is my brain, and even if you try and hold me back there's nothing that you can gain."
[mouthwash]
"Why are you being a dick head for?
Stop being a dick head.
Why are you being a dick head for?
You're just fucking up situations.
Think you know everything,
You really don't know nothing.
I wish that you were more intelligent,
So you could see that what you are doing is.
So shitty, to me.
Thirty five, People couldn't count.
On two hands the amount of times you made me stop,
Stop and think why are you being such a dickhead for?
Cos my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore.
My brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore."
[dickhead]
"It is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
it is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of shit, your full of shit)
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of it, your full of it)"
[the shit song]
"well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up.
sometimes I think that you hate me.
And other times I think that you think I'm endearing
sometimes I just don't know you at all,
even though i'd like to think i was a bit of a know-it-all.
well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up."
[stitching leggings]
"It's just sometimes,
When like
You're feeling a bit down or whatever,
You tend to like, lose sight of things,
Like your perspective and stuff,
And like everything's worse than it actually is,
Ya know what I mean,
Yeah yeah I know,
Sometimes in our lives,
We can lose sight of things,
They seem worse than in eyes than they actually have been,
Got to keep in our minds some positive ,
Some people it's not a choice if you live,
Life goes up and life goes down,
Life can be so bad and then turn around,
Got to keep two feet on the ground,
Got to keep in our minds everything's not black and white,
Gotta fight for our rights,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright
Try 'n' give us a smile and everything'll be alright,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright,
Try 'n' give us a smile,
Don't get how someone would buy stuff you don't need,
Too much money, drugs, sleep, sugar, clothes
Whatever,
All of it will make you feel like shit if you have too much of the same thing,
Just balance it out a bit,
Go for walks, read the news, get some good, loyal friends, let yourself be amused by little things,
And remember- be in tact, stay calm and deep breathe."
[a is for asthma and annoying]
"I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep."
[the nicest thing]
" My fingertips are holding onto the
Cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight,
I know its not right,
every time that your upset and I smile,
I know I should forget,
but I can't. "
[foundations]
"And I'm sitting at home on a Friday night and I hope everything's going to be alright
This is my face, I've got a thousand opinions and not the time to explain
And this is my body, and no matter how you try and disable it, I'll still be here
And, this, is my mind, and although you try to infringe you cannot confine
And, this, is my brain, and even if you try and hold me back there's nothing that you can gain."
[mouthwash]
"Why are you being a dick head for?
Stop being a dick head.
Why are you being a dick head for?
You're just fucking up situations.
Think you know everything,
You really don't know nothing.
I wish that you were more intelligent,
So you could see that what you are doing is.
So shitty, to me.
Thirty five, People couldn't count.
On two hands the amount of times you made me stop,
Stop and think why are you being such a dickhead for?
Cos my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore.
My brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore."
[dickhead]
"It is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
it is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of shit, your full of shit)
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of it, your full of it)"
[the shit song]
"well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up.
sometimes I think that you hate me.
And other times I think that you think I'm endearing
sometimes I just don't know you at all,
even though i'd like to think i was a bit of a know-it-all.
well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up."
[stitching leggings]
"It's just sometimes,
When like
You're feeling a bit down or whatever,
You tend to like, lose sight of things,
Like your perspective and stuff,
And like everything's worse than it actually is,
Ya know what I mean,
Yeah yeah I know,
Sometimes in our lives,
We can lose sight of things,
They seem worse than in eyes than they actually have been,
Got to keep in our minds some positive ,
Some people it's not a choice if you live,
Life goes up and life goes down,
Life can be so bad and then turn around,
Got to keep two feet on the ground,
Got to keep in our minds everything's not black and white,
Gotta fight for our rights,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright
Try 'n' give us a smile and everything'll be alright,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright,
Try 'n' give us a smile,
Don't get how someone would buy stuff you don't need,
Too much money, drugs, sleep, sugar, clothes
Whatever,
All of it will make you feel like shit if you have too much of the same thing,
Just balance it out a bit,
Go for walks, read the news, get some good, loyal friends, let yourself be amused by little things,
And remember- be in tact, stay calm and deep breathe."
[a is for asthma and annoying]
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Guernica
"Is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear, but you forget to wind."
Another day, another fight with James today. I just got back from my lunch, crying and trying to hide the fact that I was crying from the douches in my office. There is absolutely no communication between us. Or rather just him. I talk, he ignores. And ignoring me and making fun of me getting upset makes me mad to the point where I break stuff, such as when I kicked a hole in the door before I left.
You know how I sad that I would wait until our four year anniversery? I don't think I can take this that much longer. I think I will kill him by then. I think that it is going to be cut much, MUCH shorter. Like maybe to next month. I can not do this anymore. Melissa said he has no respect for me, and I need to just flip a switch, shut off my emotions, and kick him to the curb. It's going to hurt like hell, but it needs to be done.
I was reading my old journal from high school today, from when I was dating the first James, Kaydence's dad (xanga.com/scarsandstars). There were a lot of memories there. I used to be so strong and fun and had a fun life, but I was still obsessed with a man and let him get the best of me. And now I have no life and I am weak and I am still letting a man get the best of me. Four years changed so much, yet changed so little.
Time to put my big girl panties on and get back to work.
Another day, another fight with James today. I just got back from my lunch, crying and trying to hide the fact that I was crying from the douches in my office. There is absolutely no communication between us. Or rather just him. I talk, he ignores. And ignoring me and making fun of me getting upset makes me mad to the point where I break stuff, such as when I kicked a hole in the door before I left.
You know how I sad that I would wait until our four year anniversery? I don't think I can take this that much longer. I think I will kill him by then. I think that it is going to be cut much, MUCH shorter. Like maybe to next month. I can not do this anymore. Melissa said he has no respect for me, and I need to just flip a switch, shut off my emotions, and kick him to the curb. It's going to hurt like hell, but it needs to be done.
I was reading my old journal from high school today, from when I was dating the first James, Kaydence's dad (xanga.com/scarsandstars). There were a lot of memories there. I used to be so strong and fun and had a fun life, but I was still obsessed with a man and let him get the best of me. And now I have no life and I am weak and I am still letting a man get the best of me. Four years changed so much, yet changed so little.
Time to put my big girl panties on and get back to work.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I can be my own best friend.
Didn't write last week, I meant to, but I kept getting sidetracked. Believe me, I kept thinking about it though.
Had a spat last week at work with one of the ladies I hate the most. I didn't even see it coming. She just walked up to me and started going off about me not doing my job that she asked, when I was actually in the middle of doing it. I don't know why she acts like my boss when she is clearly not. Long story short, I told her off and point blank asked her if she has something against me because ever since I started working here she has been on my case every day she comes in, and she huffily answered "no" and stomped back to her office.
Besides that, I had a decent weekend. I got three pieces of Tarina Tarantino jewelry, one Ed Hardy shirt, and a REAL Coach bag! All for considerably cheaper than they actually cost, so I was quite excited. The only downside is, I have only $63 left in my bank account. Which is bad. See, I really think I might have a compulsive shopping addiction, and I just buy stuff without thinking. I mean, I calculate it in my mind, but I always end up going, "Well, if just make X amount before the first of the month, I will be fine!" So this is the X amount I need:
As of now I have $63.
My dad owes me $150 for the purse.
James is supposed to help me with at least $50.
I also am expecting a child support check of $170.
And a rebate for my printer of $70.
So that makes...$503.
Minus $365 for rent, and $120 for daycare...
That makes $18. So IF I actually get the money I am supposed to, I should be okay. But just to be safe, I should probably try to come up with at least $100 or so. Time to sell more stuff...
Ah, the addiction of fashion. A little person like me just wants to look like I have fashion and money and style too, even it costs me my rent. Sad.
Oh and I should probably write stuff down before I forget it. I am being so neglectful lately. I haven't done homework for school in about two weeks, and it's affecting my grades. Ugh. But since this is the most random post ever, I will type out lists that I need to keep handy in the near future.
Here is a list of things I need to buy people for Christmas:
Mom - yoga mat
Jim - Minnesota Vikings hat or house slippers
Tanner - Giftcard to gamestop
Christian - same thing
Emma - girly stuff like makeup
Joell - blanket from spencers gifts, or a cool necklace or ring
Kim - probably some cute jewelry
Jessi - Those A&F pants, and probably a cute shirt or something
Grandma - Mary Engelbret desk calender
Grandpa - tie or socks
James - hasn't really decided, but keeps mentioning a paintball jersey
Dad - he told me but I forgot, but I do remember it was more than $50 :[ ugh.
Liana - some kind of toy she can push or ride on
Kaydence - I'm thinking movies or barbie stuff
DVD's of Seasons I need to still buy:
1. Season 3 of Flavor of Love
2. Season 1 and 2 of I love New York
3. Season 5 of Nip/Tuck
4. Season 6 of Degrassi
5. Season 1 and 2 of Rock of Love
6. Season 1 of Dirt
7. Seasons 3, 4, and 5 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force
8. Season 3 and 4 of Dinosaurs
9. Season 1 of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job
10. All Seasons of Inuyasha
11. All Seasons of Full Metal Alchemist
12. Season 1 and 2 of The Brak Show
13. All Seasons of Aeon Flux
14. All Seasons of Sealab 2021
15. All Seasons of Space Ghost Coast to Coast
16. All Seasons of Clarissa Explains it All
17. All Seasons of My So Called Life
18. All Seasons of Fraggle Rock
That's all I can think of for now. Time to get back to work.
Had a spat last week at work with one of the ladies I hate the most. I didn't even see it coming. She just walked up to me and started going off about me not doing my job that she asked, when I was actually in the middle of doing it. I don't know why she acts like my boss when she is clearly not. Long story short, I told her off and point blank asked her if she has something against me because ever since I started working here she has been on my case every day she comes in, and she huffily answered "no" and stomped back to her office.
Besides that, I had a decent weekend. I got three pieces of Tarina Tarantino jewelry, one Ed Hardy shirt, and a REAL Coach bag! All for considerably cheaper than they actually cost, so I was quite excited. The only downside is, I have only $63 left in my bank account. Which is bad. See, I really think I might have a compulsive shopping addiction, and I just buy stuff without thinking. I mean, I calculate it in my mind, but I always end up going, "Well, if just make X amount before the first of the month, I will be fine!" So this is the X amount I need:
As of now I have $63.
My dad owes me $150 for the purse.
James is supposed to help me with at least $50.
I also am expecting a child support check of $170.
And a rebate for my printer of $70.
So that makes...$503.
Minus $365 for rent, and $120 for daycare...
That makes $18. So IF I actually get the money I am supposed to, I should be okay. But just to be safe, I should probably try to come up with at least $100 or so. Time to sell more stuff...
Ah, the addiction of fashion. A little person like me just wants to look like I have fashion and money and style too, even it costs me my rent. Sad.
Oh and I should probably write stuff down before I forget it. I am being so neglectful lately. I haven't done homework for school in about two weeks, and it's affecting my grades. Ugh. But since this is the most random post ever, I will type out lists that I need to keep handy in the near future.
Here is a list of things I need to buy people for Christmas:
Mom - yoga mat
Jim - Minnesota Vikings hat or house slippers
Tanner - Giftcard to gamestop
Christian - same thing
Emma - girly stuff like makeup
Joell - blanket from spencers gifts, or a cool necklace or ring
Kim - probably some cute jewelry
Jessi - Those A&F pants, and probably a cute shirt or something
Grandma - Mary Engelbret desk calender
Grandpa - tie or socks
James - hasn't really decided, but keeps mentioning a paintball jersey
Dad - he told me but I forgot, but I do remember it was more than $50 :[ ugh.
Liana - some kind of toy she can push or ride on
Kaydence - I'm thinking movies or barbie stuff
DVD's of Seasons I need to still buy:
1. Season 3 of Flavor of Love
2. Season 1 and 2 of I love New York
3. Season 5 of Nip/Tuck
4. Season 6 of Degrassi
5. Season 1 and 2 of Rock of Love
6. Season 1 of Dirt
7. Seasons 3, 4, and 5 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force
8. Season 3 and 4 of Dinosaurs
9. Season 1 of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job
10. All Seasons of Inuyasha
11. All Seasons of Full Metal Alchemist
12. Season 1 and 2 of The Brak Show
13. All Seasons of Aeon Flux
14. All Seasons of Sealab 2021
15. All Seasons of Space Ghost Coast to Coast
16. All Seasons of Clarissa Explains it All
17. All Seasons of My So Called Life
18. All Seasons of Fraggle Rock
That's all I can think of for now. Time to get back to work.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Bills Bills Bills
Ugh, I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I have 4 bills due right now, and I can choose to pay the two small ones or one big one. Either way, I'm going to have to tell my dad to wait for me to pay him for my insurance, and I'm going to have to ask James to help me. Stupid child support... I hate when it is late. I hate the Attorney General. They SUCK when it comes to child support.
I started talking to Melissa again, oh God I missed her. She is so sweet and funny.
Spoke to Jessi yesterday too. She's homesick, and I'm Jessisick. I can't wait for her to come back for Thanksgiving! If you are reading this Jess, I miss you!
Blah, my boss is bitching at me AGAIN for something stupid. It really bothers me how she expects me to do this dumptruck load of work in one day, and then emails me when I don't. I'm not a freaking SuperWoman Employee. At least Pat is back from her New Orleans trip, so now I have someone to talk to.
Man I'm starving. I need to figure out a way to buy a treadmill so I can start running.
I guess I will go back to work now, the boss is still griping.
I started talking to Melissa again, oh God I missed her. She is so sweet and funny.
Spoke to Jessi yesterday too. She's homesick, and I'm Jessisick. I can't wait for her to come back for Thanksgiving! If you are reading this Jess, I miss you!
Blah, my boss is bitching at me AGAIN for something stupid. It really bothers me how she expects me to do this dumptruck load of work in one day, and then emails me when I don't. I'm not a freaking SuperWoman Employee. At least Pat is back from her New Orleans trip, so now I have someone to talk to.
Man I'm starving. I need to figure out a way to buy a treadmill so I can start running.
I guess I will go back to work now, the boss is still griping.
Monday, November 3, 2008
November Has Come
So its November finally... and it's still hot outside. On one hand, I like this because I hate winters in Texas. It's freezing and there is no snow, just sleet and ice, and I always get either strep throat or bronchitis, so I am enjoying the autumn weather. On the other hand, I want to wear my jackets :[ and I keep thinking that since it is staying warm so long, that means when it finally does get cold, it will stretch until probably April or May, which is gay.
On a side note, I hate my job. Correct that. I like my job, it is awfully easy, I just hate the people I work with. Every attorney here is an asshole. I have never met people that think so low of me, just because I am not one of them. Even the Accounts Payable lady is a heinous bitch to me for no apparant reason. I highly suspect it is because I am not wealthy, I am young, I already have two children and I am young, I have tattoos that are visible [even though they are not tacky or tasteless], and I do not care about law or their awesome lives with all their money and work. The paralegal here is a doll, I love Pat. She is the only one who is nice to me, because she hates everyone here just as much as I do. And I realize work is work, it is not fun. But seriously, these people are just cold and rude for no reason at all, and it no secret how many people started working and then quit working for them in such a short period of time. You would think when you have at least 20 employees in the past 4-5 months that quit after a month or less, you would wake up realize something is wrong with your company and the people that we little people are working under. But no, not Hoffman Kelley, they can do no wrong. It is us little people that do not meet their standards. I mean, come on, yeah so I didn't name that file correctly, and yes I am late getting the umpteenth task you have sent me done because I am extremely busy with all this work all five of the attorneys have piled onto me because the people who WERE doing those tasks quit, so you handed it to me. But I'm only human, is it really necessary to email me about my mistake, as well as email EVERY. SINGLE. OTHER. ATTORNEY about my mistake? That is just cruel. Not to mention, you guys need to understand that when I need to leave work early to pick up my kids because they are sick or something, which doesn't really happen that often, you need to stop giving me dirty looks on my way out on the rare occasion I do need to leave and go be a mother to my children.
I wish I could say all that to their faces.
In other news, I have made my mind up about James. I love him. I really love him, I am in love with him, I want to marry him and be his wife and have a wedding and at least have one more kid, hopefully a boy, and grow old together and spend the rest of my life with him. And although he says this is what he wants too, his actions say otherwise. We have been together 3 years and 4 months. We also have a daughter who is 17 months old. I'm not asking to get married tomorrow. All I would like is a decent proposal, with a ring, and a promise that from that moment on we will be engaged and I can at least be a fiancee, and that we can start planning our wedding. It's not much to ask of, I think. He has that come April or whenever he gets his tax returns, he plans on buying me a ring and doing that. He SAYS this. However, I think at least once a week, he complains about how much he hates living with me. And how much he doesn't even know why he is with me. And how if I even look at something having to do with a wedding or engagement, it scares him off. And how he doesn't believe in romance. And how he does not have to be a father figure for Kaydence [my daughter from a previous relationship]. And how sometimes he doesn't even see himself with me, and he knows we won't be together forever. Now, my question to this is, if you are saying all these things to my face, why are you still with me then? I never stopped you from leaving. And his reply is always, "because I love you, and I don't want to make you sad." Uh, hello? You are making me horribly depressed by stringing me along thinking one day I will be your wife, when really you don't even think we will be together in a few years. So here is my plan. I have dealt with this long enough, and I am tired. It is exhausting to put all my effort into saving our relationship, and trying to get him to communicate and tell me what I'm doing/not doing or saying/not saying. It is annoying to come home everyday to someone who always has something negative to say to me, and always has to call me names, or tell me what I did wrong. I can not wait on him for the rest of my life and waste the next 10 years waiting and waiting, only to have him turn around in 10 years and say, "sorry for wasting your time but I don't love you and I haven't for a long time, and I don't think I will. " So my plan is to wait until he gets his tax returns. By that time, he should have a lot of his debt paid off anyway, and I will have all of mine paid off and I will have a lot more money than I do now, that way if things don't work out then I really don't even need his help with money. If he gets his tax returns, and does not propose to me, I will wait until our fourth anniversary in June, just to give him some leniancy because I love him. If by our fourth anniversary, he STILL has not taken any sort of step towards fixing our relationship, if he STILL has not proposed to me, and our relationship is still exactly at the not-so-wondeful status it is right now, I am done. I can't do it anymore. I can't waste my time hoping and wishing for something that will never happen. I can no longer continue to be the only one in this relationship who tries. And it will suck really bad, and I will probably be a horrible wreck and I will cry for weeks, but I have to do it. So my mind is made up. James has until June 30, 2009 to do something, ANYTHING to save this relationship.
I think this is a good idea. I hope it is anyway.
On a side note, I hate my job. Correct that. I like my job, it is awfully easy, I just hate the people I work with. Every attorney here is an asshole. I have never met people that think so low of me, just because I am not one of them. Even the Accounts Payable lady is a heinous bitch to me for no apparant reason. I highly suspect it is because I am not wealthy, I am young, I already have two children and I am young, I have tattoos that are visible [even though they are not tacky or tasteless], and I do not care about law or their awesome lives with all their money and work. The paralegal here is a doll, I love Pat. She is the only one who is nice to me, because she hates everyone here just as much as I do. And I realize work is work, it is not fun. But seriously, these people are just cold and rude for no reason at all, and it no secret how many people started working and then quit working for them in such a short period of time. You would think when you have at least 20 employees in the past 4-5 months that quit after a month or less, you would wake up realize something is wrong with your company and the people that we little people are working under. But no, not Hoffman Kelley, they can do no wrong. It is us little people that do not meet their standards. I mean, come on, yeah so I didn't name that file correctly, and yes I am late getting the umpteenth task you have sent me done because I am extremely busy with all this work all five of the attorneys have piled onto me because the people who WERE doing those tasks quit, so you handed it to me. But I'm only human, is it really necessary to email me about my mistake, as well as email EVERY. SINGLE. OTHER. ATTORNEY about my mistake? That is just cruel. Not to mention, you guys need to understand that when I need to leave work early to pick up my kids because they are sick or something, which doesn't really happen that often, you need to stop giving me dirty looks on my way out on the rare occasion I do need to leave and go be a mother to my children.
I wish I could say all that to their faces.
In other news, I have made my mind up about James. I love him. I really love him, I am in love with him, I want to marry him and be his wife and have a wedding and at least have one more kid, hopefully a boy, and grow old together and spend the rest of my life with him. And although he says this is what he wants too, his actions say otherwise. We have been together 3 years and 4 months. We also have a daughter who is 17 months old. I'm not asking to get married tomorrow. All I would like is a decent proposal, with a ring, and a promise that from that moment on we will be engaged and I can at least be a fiancee, and that we can start planning our wedding. It's not much to ask of, I think. He has that come April or whenever he gets his tax returns, he plans on buying me a ring and doing that. He SAYS this. However, I think at least once a week, he complains about how much he hates living with me. And how much he doesn't even know why he is with me. And how if I even look at something having to do with a wedding or engagement, it scares him off. And how he doesn't believe in romance. And how he does not have to be a father figure for Kaydence [my daughter from a previous relationship]. And how sometimes he doesn't even see himself with me, and he knows we won't be together forever. Now, my question to this is, if you are saying all these things to my face, why are you still with me then? I never stopped you from leaving. And his reply is always, "because I love you, and I don't want to make you sad." Uh, hello? You are making me horribly depressed by stringing me along thinking one day I will be your wife, when really you don't even think we will be together in a few years. So here is my plan. I have dealt with this long enough, and I am tired. It is exhausting to put all my effort into saving our relationship, and trying to get him to communicate and tell me what I'm doing/not doing or saying/not saying. It is annoying to come home everyday to someone who always has something negative to say to me, and always has to call me names, or tell me what I did wrong. I can not wait on him for the rest of my life and waste the next 10 years waiting and waiting, only to have him turn around in 10 years and say, "sorry for wasting your time but I don't love you and I haven't for a long time, and I don't think I will. " So my plan is to wait until he gets his tax returns. By that time, he should have a lot of his debt paid off anyway, and I will have all of mine paid off and I will have a lot more money than I do now, that way if things don't work out then I really don't even need his help with money. If he gets his tax returns, and does not propose to me, I will wait until our fourth anniversary in June, just to give him some leniancy because I love him. If by our fourth anniversary, he STILL has not taken any sort of step towards fixing our relationship, if he STILL has not proposed to me, and our relationship is still exactly at the not-so-wondeful status it is right now, I am done. I can't do it anymore. I can't waste my time hoping and wishing for something that will never happen. I can no longer continue to be the only one in this relationship who tries. And it will suck really bad, and I will probably be a horrible wreck and I will cry for weeks, but I have to do it. So my mind is made up. James has until June 30, 2009 to do something, ANYTHING to save this relationship.
I think this is a good idea. I hope it is anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)