Hey Stranger

I have not written in this thing in quite some time.

I am the same, yet I am not.

I am stronger, but I am still weak.

I miss him, but I have learned to live without him, and hopefully move on to better things, although he will always have my heart. And I fear that one day he will want me again, and I still don't know if I will say yes or no.

Other than that, I am finally out of debt. This leaves me with $300 extra every month, yippee. I have spent money on all the things I really needed, and things that I really wanted. I am finally getting to a point where now I can spend money for pleasure and still have plenty for my bills. It feels so nice. I haven't been able to do this in years. My bank account is quite full, and I love looking at it every day.

The kids are wonderful, and growing and amaze me. Liana is so smart and is getting to be an actual little person full of words and wisdom now, and it makes me sad. Kaydence has become Miss Attitude, and I see myself in the way she speaks. It is bad and funny at the same time.

I am stable in my life finally. I have gained all my old friends back, and some new ones. I have made new memories that overshadow the past few years. In a way, I am sad that I do not have a significant other to share these memories with and create some, but I am also feeling a freedom I haven't felt in forever. I am able to go out and be the old crazy carefree me, yet I am able to come home and balance my checkbook and do my school work and go to work, and still spend time with my kids. I am keeping a great balance between being responsible and having fun. Sometimes I have TOO much fun, and start to teeter into a zone I shouldn't, but that feeling quickly wore on me and I have set boundaries for myself. I'm pretty sure it was the combination of trying to forget James and regain my youth, but fortunately unlike some girls I know, I am able to remind myself that at the end of the day I am a mother and I need to focus on school and my job and my bills and my kids as well, and not get too carried away.

Did I mention my alcohol tastes have flip flopped? I assume this is because before I was allowed to legally drink, I would down liqour to get drunk as fast as possible and I hated beer. Now that I am able to buy my own drinks, beer is cheaper and I have grown fond of Shiner Boch and Dos Equis, and I am unable to hold liquor like I used to, unless it is in the form of a fruity mixed drink. Even then, I can't have too many because I get sloppy drunk and sick, and I do not like feeling that way. All in moderation. That has become my motto, not just for drinking, but for many things. Life in general.

By the way, I love my friends. They don't know how grateful I am that they plucked me back up and are including me in their lives as though I had never left. I was so fearful my old friends would be different and it would be awkward, and I wouldn't be able to keep up with their crazy lives. But they are just so wonderful. They respect that I have responsibilities, and are there for me whether it is to relax at my apartment with my kids and watch tv, or help me with my homework, or go shopping with me, or go crazy and party with me. I never knew how much I needed my friends to keep me sane and happy. Paul and Derrick were always like brothers to me in middle and high school, and I always got sad thinking it would be never be the same. But here we are, and they are constantly at my home keeping me company. Paul and Derrick truly are my best guy friends, and I love them to death. They are the best boys a girl could ask for without having to date or screw them. It's funny the relationship we have. People that don't know us would think I am dating them, since we are always together or always having fun or always sitting at my apartment doing things like threading a sewing machine, watching movies, having a beer, shopping, whatever. But the people that know us KNOW that we are just that close. I love having guy friends without the pressure of having to look pretty for them or having to keep my apartment tidy or having to impress them or look cute or sexy or whatever. Paul and Derrick love me just the way I am. And sometimes, I wish I could find a guy to be with that is just like them. I'm pretty sure that is the type of guy I want. I know it sounds weird, and one might think, "Well why don't you just date one of them?" Because it's different. I have known them too long, and I would never want to tarnish what I have with them with a breakup or a relationship or sex. It would be too awkward anyways, and would probably feel like incest, even though they are both so darn cute. I would much rather keep it as it is, and find someone who is like them, except I am comfortable being intimate with.

On that note, I have seen a couple of guys. Edwin I have known since middle school, but never really was good friends with until recently. He was always more of an aquaintance, but I did enjoy hanging out with him. He's not as cute as I would like, but he has a wonderful personality.
Chris, or "Clos" as his weird nickname is, is quite attractive and I would gladly be in a relationship with him. We have slept together, and I must say he is such a good lover. He is so nice and sweet and fun and has a great sense of humor and we have so much in common. He is definately my ideal guy. The only thing is, he is playing very hard to get/date. He has told me he likes me, but he does not know what he wants right now, so for now we are having fun. He lives a bit far, but it is worth the time with him. I am pretty disappointed because I do have the biggest crush on him, and although I know he likes me obviously, I wish he liked me enough to consider dating me. Perhaps time will tell.
Aaron is an old ex who I could easily bag in the sack, but I really prefer not to. His personality sometimes gets on my nerves, and I still am not comfortable with how often he has cheated on girls. He has had his moments that make my heart melt and I think he is so cute, but I honestly don't think he could handle having to be a mother and responsible a lot of the time. He likes to go out during the week and party and other things, and I really can't do that.
Oh, and then there is Joel and Darrell. Both are creepy, both are annoying, and both want me bad. I do not want either of them. I drunkenly made the mistake of making out with Joel, and ever since then he won't leave me alone. I soberly made the mistake of befriending Darrell, even though me and all my friends know how odd he is, and now he has become a bit of a stalker. I won't even go into all the conversations and arguments I have had with Darrell. Why would I want to be with him when I haven't even dated him yet and I feel like he is trying to control me a bit and get in my business and argue with him? Ugh.
Ben was nice, although I only met him once. I would like to hang out with him and get to know him a bit more.
Brandon and I have known each other for a while, and we slept together in the past, but I am hesistant to get close with him. He is quite the pothead, and he doesn't seem very ambitious. I am not materialistic, but I would like a guy with goals.
Drago and I have exchanged some fun conversations, and I finally met him, but he lives waaaaaaaaay far and his lifestyle is VERY different from mine. It would never work, unless he was willing to make it work.
Lorenzo is sweet, but he doesn't interest me very much. He has fallen into the friend zone, plus I am very freaked out but the fact that he lives in the exact same apartment, not complex, APARTMENT that James and I first lived in together when I moved in with him when we were first dating. His son's room is me and James's room! AWKWARD.
Ahhh, my girl lover. Melissa. She is engaged now I guess. Plus, she always seemed like a mother hen, and it would get to me sometimes. I felt like she would never open up to me that way I did to her, and she could be quite harsh and bossy sometimes and make me feel like a child. Although she had a great body.
Thomas is back in Afganistan, plus he had a girlfriend, and Allison was too sweet and I am too nice to interfere with that, although while I was tipsy, I grabbed his package and he got a semi, and he said I have the perfect grip and pulled out his weiner "just to show me" haha. If Thomas were single, and not in the army in the desert halfway across the world, he would be fun to hook up with.

Geez, seeing this list makes me feel like I should slow down a bit, although I have just been testing the waters and have only slept with 2 people since James dumped me. I'm slowly gaining my confidence back, and starting to remember how to be flirty and sexy. Although, usually I just try to be myself and hope that it works. It's funny, because some of my friends have commented that there probably is a good chance I might just be a lesbian, because I have always been accepted as one of the guys, and I can't seem to bag a guy and keep him. And while I find this very funny, it also sits in the back of my mind that it might ring true. If you know me, then it is no secret that I have been with girls, and I have always been open with my sexuality, just never serious with a girl so I consider myself straight. There have been a few girls that I have been head over heels for, and I am not homophobic at all. I actually do look at girls quite often, and I would hook up with one again, but if it came down to really liking a girl, it would be a difficult decision to make. My family would never accept it, although it wouldn't bother my friends a bit. I know both Liana and Kaydence's dad would make a big deal out of it, ESPECIALLY James. He would never be able to know. I wouldn't have a problem being exclusive with a girl, it's just that I would never be able to be completely lesbian, and I would always still keep an eye out for a guy that I fancy, and it would suck that I would never be able to be open with my family about it. I am just confused, I guess. I guess it's safe to say that I am like a kicked puppy, and I am open to love whoever will love me back regardless of what is below the belt.

Ahhhhh, well that was a satisfying and long post. I'm sure I won't be writing in here all the time, but it feels nice to jot everything down once in a while. I'll try to be better about collecting my thoughts in here. Until then, I must get back to work. I was out of work all last week from being sick, and so I have a lot to catch up on and only two hours to do it. So ciao!