Losing Sleep

So. I did it. On Friday I did it. I kicked James out and broke up with him. I don't want to go into all the details because I might cry at my desk at work, but basically... he came home from work, he was being an ass for no reason and started saying from very mean things, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I told him to give me the key and leave. I'm worried. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing, but what if he moves on quickly? What if over the weekend he has already slept with someone else, or talked to other girls? I am hoping he is just sitting at Roy's house pouting. I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that says otherwise though. I'm not happy about our breakup, not at all. I hate sleeping alone. Last night I had a nightmare, and I had no one to console me when I woke up. Usually he is right there to comfort me and hold me until I fall asleep again. I haven't spoken to him once since he left. It's hard. I almost texted him yesterday about a shirt of mine he accidently took with him. And about the baby needing diapers even though I already got some on my own. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't care about the abuse and the controlling behavior, I just want him back and safe in my arms, so that I know he isn't with someone else. And other times, I tell myself this is for the best, and now I can do all those things I wasn't allowed to do, and that it won't hurt if I just hold on. If I do see him with someone else though, it would absolutely kill me. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate HATE it. I want to run back into his arms so bad. I can't stop loving him. I don't want to stop. I want him to change, be nice, and miss me so much that he is willing to be the person I fell in love with again, willing to be the best partner and husband for me.

This is the hardest thing ever. I got horribly drunk on Saturday at my brothers with Kim and Dylan trying to forget. It's funny. I look like I am fine, and I seem totally normal, as though I'm okay and I'm happy I'm moving on. But when I am home with just the kids, I am miserable. I am lonely. The only good thing that has come from this for me is that I have a clean home and it actually stays clean since he isn't there to mess it up. Nobody understands how I feel. They all keep saying, "oh he didn't deserve you, he was an ass, you will find a hot guy and move on, and now you can do whatever you want." I DON'T CARE. No one understands. This man was my ENTIRE WORLD. My whole life revolved around him. I have never felt this way about anyone, and I have never seen myself with someone for the rest of my life except him. He didn't cheat, he didn't drink or do drugs or smoke cigarettes, he made me laugh, he knew how make me melt. To be totally and completely honest, I am not doing this so I can move on. I am doing this only for the simple hope that it will awaken him and make him realize that I will live alone without him for the rest of my life. I will not take his crap. I don't need him. But if he decides to change, I will be here with open arms.

"I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?.
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad? you feel sad?
I'm sorry, hell no fuck that!
It was my heart, it was my life,
it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long,
and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you,
And told you that I loved you,
every time I fucked you.
The future that we both drew,
and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you,
the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts."
[myblackdahlia::hollywoodundead]