November Has Come

So its November finally... and it's still hot outside. On one hand, I like this because I hate winters in Texas. It's freezing and there is no snow, just sleet and ice, and I always get either strep throat or bronchitis, so I am enjoying the autumn weather. On the other hand, I want to wear my jackets :[ and I keep thinking that since it is staying warm so long, that means when it finally does get cold, it will stretch until probably April or May, which is gay.

On a side note, I hate my job. Correct that. I like my job, it is awfully easy, I just hate the people I work with. Every attorney here is an asshole. I have never met people that think so low of me, just because I am not one of them. Even the Accounts Payable lady is a heinous bitch to me for no apparant reason. I highly suspect it is because I am not wealthy, I am young, I already have two children and I am young, I have tattoos that are visible [even though they are not tacky or tasteless], and I do not care about law or their awesome lives with all their money and work. The paralegal here is a doll, I love Pat. She is the only one who is nice to me, because she hates everyone here just as much as I do. And I realize work is work, it is not fun. But seriously, these people are just cold and rude for no reason at all, and it no secret how many people started working and then quit working for them in such a short period of time. You would think when you have at least 20 employees in the past 4-5 months that quit after a month or less, you would wake up realize something is wrong with your company and the people that we little people are working under. But no, not Hoffman Kelley, they can do no wrong. It is us little people that do not meet their standards. I mean, come on, yeah so I didn't name that file correctly, and yes I am late getting the umpteenth task you have sent me done because I am extremely busy with all this work all five of the attorneys have piled onto me because the people who WERE doing those tasks quit, so you handed it to me. But I'm only human, is it really necessary to email me about my mistake, as well as email EVERY. SINGLE. OTHER. ATTORNEY about my mistake? That is just cruel. Not to mention, you guys need to understand that when I need to leave work early to pick up my kids because they are sick or something, which doesn't really happen that often, you need to stop giving me dirty looks on my way out on the rare occasion I do need to leave and go be a mother to my children.

I wish I could say all that to their faces.

In other news, I have made my mind up about James. I love him. I really love him, I am in love with him, I want to marry him and be his wife and have a wedding and at least have one more kid, hopefully a boy, and grow old together and spend the rest of my life with him. And although he says this is what he wants too, his actions say otherwise. We have been together 3 years and 4 months. We also have a daughter who is 17 months old. I'm not asking to get married tomorrow. All I would like is a decent proposal, with a ring, and a promise that from that moment on we will be engaged and I can at least be a fiancee, and that we can start planning our wedding. It's not much to ask of, I think. He has that come April or whenever he gets his tax returns, he plans on buying me a ring and doing that. He SAYS this. However, I think at least once a week, he complains about how much he hates living with me. And how much he doesn't even know why he is with me. And how if I even look at something having to do with a wedding or engagement, it scares him off. And how he doesn't believe in romance. And how he does not have to be a father figure for Kaydence [my daughter from a previous relationship]. And how sometimes he doesn't even see himself with me, and he knows we won't be together forever. Now, my question to this is, if you are saying all these things to my face, why are you still with me then? I never stopped you from leaving. And his reply is always, "because I love you, and I don't want to make you sad." Uh, hello? You are making me horribly depressed by stringing me along thinking one day I will be your wife, when really you don't even think we will be together in a few years. So here is my plan. I have dealt with this long enough, and I am tired. It is exhausting to put all my effort into saving our relationship, and trying to get him to communicate and tell me what I'm doing/not doing or saying/not saying. It is annoying to come home everyday to someone who always has something negative to say to me, and always has to call me names, or tell me what I did wrong. I can not wait on him for the rest of my life and waste the next 10 years waiting and waiting, only to have him turn around in 10 years and say, "sorry for wasting your time but I don't love you and I haven't for a long time, and I don't think I will. " So my plan is to wait until he gets his tax returns. By that time, he should have a lot of his debt paid off anyway, and I will have all of mine paid off and I will have a lot more money than I do now, that way if things don't work out then I really don't even need his help with money. If he gets his tax returns, and does not propose to me, I will wait until our fourth anniversary in June, just to give him some leniancy because I love him. If by our fourth anniversary, he STILL has not taken any sort of step towards fixing our relationship, if he STILL has not proposed to me, and our relationship is still exactly at the not-so-wondeful status it is right now, I am done. I can't do it anymore. I can't waste my time hoping and wishing for something that will never happen. I can no longer continue to be the only one in this relationship who tries. And it will suck really bad, and I will probably be a horrible wreck and I will cry for weeks, but I have to do it. So my mind is made up. James has until June 30, 2009 to do something, ANYTHING to save this relationship.

I think this is a good idea. I hope it is anyway.