"Is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear, but you forget to wind."
Another day, another fight with James today. I just got back from my lunch, crying and trying to hide the fact that I was crying from the douches in my office. There is absolutely no communication between us. Or rather just him. I talk, he ignores. And ignoring me and making fun of me getting upset makes me mad to the point where I break stuff, such as when I kicked a hole in the door before I left.
You know how I sad that I would wait until our four year anniversery? I don't think I can take this that much longer. I think I will kill him by then. I think that it is going to be cut much, MUCH shorter. Like maybe to next month. I can not do this anymore. Melissa said he has no respect for me, and I need to just flip a switch, shut off my emotions, and kick him to the curb. It's going to hurt like hell, but it needs to be done.
I was reading my old journal from high school today, from when I was dating the first James, Kaydence's dad (xanga.com/scarsandstars). There were a lot of memories there. I used to be so strong and fun and had a fun life, but I was still obsessed with a man and let him get the best of me. And now I have no life and I am weak and I am still letting a man get the best of me. Four years changed so much, yet changed so little.
Time to put my big girl panties on and get back to work.
1 comment:
lol. i have a pair!!! lol
seriously though, like I said do what you REALLY like that Now day James won't let you do (i.e. earrings dark colors, tattoos, seeing me!!! lol). You may love him but he doesn't sound like a healthy boyfriend/fience/husband since he secludes you to such humor and depression. Because you know you can't say he isn't any part of a depression.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, buuuuuut he is! And the right guy might fight with you and you might change for the right guy BUT it's not going to be soo much as to make you break stuff or cry about stuff that should never even be thought let alone said. ALSO the right guy would change WILLINGLY for you too. They always say the right person WON'T make you change, but it would be easy for you to be so willing to make the changes because it's nothing as major as what now day James is asking.
Besides, don't say you're not strong. You may think you're weak for letting him do all this but you've survived him thus far and you cannot be a weak person and have done that much.
Great things are to come if you do what is in your heart and have concluded with your mind and sense of morals. (<~~ corny HA! lol but yeah)
xo C
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