Greener with the scenery.

Yes, I am aware I have not written in a while. I have been busy busy busy. And yes, it is 4:07 am and I am not sleeping. I was basically catching up on all the last assignments for the semester that are due today, and I still am not tired, so I am deciding to just stay up. At least I will be early to work today, haha.

Let's see, what has been going on in my world? Well, ever since Hurricane James left town, I have actually been wonderful. I decided to get my life back and made a new myspace, and I have gotten in touch with old friends and have gotten a few numbers. I have even been talking frequently to a VERY cute boy. Also, I had the greatest weekend last weekend that I have had in years. On Friday, I went with Melissa to a party. She is so sweet. She picked me up and took me to Dots and bought me a cute outfit and jewelry and a clutch so I could look smokin when we went out. She also surprised me with a gift card to Planet Beach Tan, and bought me some food to eat, and took me to the liquor store and told me to pick anything I wanted [vodka + orange juice] and then we had so much fun getting ready and going to the party. We were supposed to go to a strip club too, but I got far too drunk. I ended up getting sick in her car, so we went home, but she was okay with that. She is the sweetest person, and she made me feel so good. I called her my sugarmama cause she wouldn't stop buying me stuff, haha. Then Saturday I decided to take things into my own hands. Kim gave me Derrick's phone number, and I invited Derrick, Paul, Kim, and Natalie all to my house for a get together. Derrick and Paul brought beer, Kim brought wine, I made tacos, and we all played the wii and had a fucking badass time getting drunk and catching up. I felt so liberated that weekend, and I still do. I have been texting my friends and getting on my myspace all week without feeling scared that James will catch me, and I have just been living the way I have wanted to for a long time.

Dear James,
Ever since you left, I have been better. At first I was very sad that you told me you no longer wanted a relationship, and that you werent going to change. At first, I was going to wait for you to be a better person, even if it meant waiting my whole life. But now, my eyes have been opened to the glorious world you have hidden me away from. Don't get me wrong, I love you with all my heart and I always will. If you were to change, I would not hesitate to be with you. But I don't miss you. Correct that, I miss you, but I don't miss the person you are now. These past couple of weeks without you have been so different, and I feel so free, like I was blind and am seeing the world for the first time. I missed my friends, and it has felt so good to not fight or yell or scream. It has felt wonderful to be around people that care about me and enjoy my company and do not constantly criticize me. It is such a great feeling to be around people who do not judge me at all, and love me for who I am. It is not about the fact that now I can drink, and now I can party. It is about the fact that you changed me into someone I am not, and you sheltered me from being happy. I no longer have to clean my apartment every day, it stays clean for at least a week. Kaydence is enjoying being able to run around with Liana and not confined to her room. I am breaking out less, because I am not as stressed. I am even taking better care of my body. You made me feel worthless, so I saw no need to shower, or brush my teeth, or do something about my weight. I always figured, what is the point of trying to be pretty? You would just shut me out and put me down anyway. Now, I do it for myself. Even though it has been a short time, I am already getting my confidence back. My friends and I picked up right where we left off, and they are wonderful kind caring people. It is a shame you did not even try to get to know them. I hope you are miserable without me. I hope you can't eat, sleep, or breathe. I hope that everytime you go to sleep you think of me and dream of me, and every day you feel lonely and stupid for giving me up when I loved you no matter what and would have given you the world if I could. I bet you thought I would have begged you to come back by now, huh? Well you are wrong. You will come to regret letting me go. You will see how happy and free I am without you, and how I don't need you. I DON'T NEED YOU. I can control my own life, and be perfectly happy alone or with someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who likes my children and accepts that it's a package deal or no deal. Someone who does not constantly try to change me. Someone who likes my friends and family, and they like him too. I will love you forever, but I will not accept your abuse any longer. My chains are broken, and you will be the one dying inside this time. I love you, I wish you the best, and goodbye.
Love,
Vanessa

"You almost always pick the best time to drop the worst lines.
You almost made me cry again this time.
Another false alarm, red flashing lights.
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die.
I think I made it a game to play your game and let myself cry.
I buried myself alive on the inside,
so I could shut you out,and let you go away for a long time.
I guess it's ok I puked the day away.
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back,
you're gonna have to ask.
I think the chain broke away, and I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine.
But it was worth the night, I caught an early flight and I made it home.
I guess its ok I puked the day away
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that...
With my foot on your neck I finally have you
Right where I want you."
::the used::buried myself alive::

"From the way that you acted
To the way that I felt it
It wasn't worth my time
And now it's sad cause all I missed
Wasn't that good to begin with
And now I've started you begging
Saying things that you don't mean
It isn't worth my time
A lines a dime a million times
And I'm about to see all of them
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you You're taking up my time
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you!
You call my name when I wake up
To see things go your way
I'm coughing up my time
Each drag's a drop of blood, a grain
A minute of my life
It's all I've got just to stay down
Why the fuck am I still down
I'm hoarding all thats mine
Each time I let just one slip by
I'm wasting what is mine
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you You're taking up my time
Good-bye to you Good-bye to you!
I’m about to see a million things I thought I’d never seen before,
And I...I’m about to do all of the things I dreamed of and
I don’t even miss you at all"
::the used::bulimic::

Creep

Ugggggh. Thanksgiving was great. I was full all day haha.

It's 12:38 and I can not sleep. I have a headache that is killing me. So I'm talking to strangers on yahoo. Which is kind of nice to talk to people who know nothing about you, nothing about your quirks or problems, so they think you are perfect.

And I am still weak. Even though I kicked him out, it's like we are still dating. He still comes around, acts like nothing is wrong, kisses me, and he is always asking for the key back. But at least I'm not giving him the key back, right? This is hard...

Jessi came into town! Yay. I love Kim to death, but it is hard to hang out with her since she is so negative and always worries. So it was nice to see Jessi again, I miss her so freaking much. So we just hung out, played the Wii, by the way, Wii Music SUCKS. I didn't like it. And we smoked a teensy bit, which was nice to relax.

Last week of school yay. Oh and I have court on Monday. I hope something good happens... well I am super tired. So bye for now.

Losing Sleep

So. I did it. On Friday I did it. I kicked James out and broke up with him. I don't want to go into all the details because I might cry at my desk at work, but basically... he came home from work, he was being an ass for no reason and started saying from very mean things, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I told him to give me the key and leave. I'm worried. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing, but what if he moves on quickly? What if over the weekend he has already slept with someone else, or talked to other girls? I am hoping he is just sitting at Roy's house pouting. I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that says otherwise though. I'm not happy about our breakup, not at all. I hate sleeping alone. Last night I had a nightmare, and I had no one to console me when I woke up. Usually he is right there to comfort me and hold me until I fall asleep again. I haven't spoken to him once since he left. It's hard. I almost texted him yesterday about a shirt of mine he accidently took with him. And about the baby needing diapers even though I already got some on my own. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't care about the abuse and the controlling behavior, I just want him back and safe in my arms, so that I know he isn't with someone else. And other times, I tell myself this is for the best, and now I can do all those things I wasn't allowed to do, and that it won't hurt if I just hold on. If I do see him with someone else though, it would absolutely kill me. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate HATE it. I want to run back into his arms so bad. I can't stop loving him. I don't want to stop. I want him to change, be nice, and miss me so much that he is willing to be the person I fell in love with again, willing to be the best partner and husband for me.

This is the hardest thing ever. I got horribly drunk on Saturday at my brothers with Kim and Dylan trying to forget. It's funny. I look like I am fine, and I seem totally normal, as though I'm okay and I'm happy I'm moving on. But when I am home with just the kids, I am miserable. I am lonely. The only good thing that has come from this for me is that I have a clean home and it actually stays clean since he isn't there to mess it up. Nobody understands how I feel. They all keep saying, "oh he didn't deserve you, he was an ass, you will find a hot guy and move on, and now you can do whatever you want." I DON'T CARE. No one understands. This man was my ENTIRE WORLD. My whole life revolved around him. I have never felt this way about anyone, and I have never seen myself with someone for the rest of my life except him. He didn't cheat, he didn't drink or do drugs or smoke cigarettes, he made me laugh, he knew how make me melt. To be totally and completely honest, I am not doing this so I can move on. I am doing this only for the simple hope that it will awaken him and make him realize that I will live alone without him for the rest of my life. I will not take his crap. I don't need him. But if he decides to change, I will be here with open arms.

"I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?.
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad? you feel sad?
I'm sorry, hell no fuck that!
It was my heart, it was my life,
it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long,
and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you,
And told you that I loved you,
every time I fucked you.
The future that we both drew,
and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you,
the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts."
[myblackdahlia::hollywoodundead]

Merry Happy

I really, REALLY like Kate Nash. She is a singer, and I can relate to her lyrics so much. Her voice is beautiful, and her songs are so pretty and catchy, I get them stuck in my head for days.

"I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep."
[the nicest thing]

" My fingertips are holding onto the
Cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight,
I know its not right,
every time that your upset and I smile,
I know I should forget,
but I can't. "
[foundations]

"And I'm sitting at home on a Friday night and I hope everything's going to be alright
This is my face, I've got a thousand opinions and not the time to explain
And this is my body, and no matter how you try and disable it, I'll still be here
And, this, is my mind, and although you try to infringe you cannot confine
And, this, is my brain, and even if you try and hold me back there's nothing that you can gain."
[mouthwash]

"Why are you being a dick head for?
Stop being a dick head.
Why are you being a dick head for?
You're just fucking up situations.
Think you know everything,
You really don't know nothing.
I wish that you were more intelligent,
So you could see that what you are doing is.
So shitty, to me.
Thirty five, People couldn't count.
On two hands the amount of times you made me stop,
Stop and think why are you being such a dickhead for?
Cos my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore.
My brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore."
[dickhead]

"It is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
it is like i'm always thinkin to myself
i'd like to meet someone else
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of shit, your full of shit)
darling don't give me shit
cos i know that your full of it
(your full of it, your full of it)"
[the shit song]

"well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up.
sometimes I think that you hate me.
And other times I think that you think I'm endearing
sometimes I just don't know you at all,
even though i'd like to think i was a bit of a know-it-all.
well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up."
[stitching leggings]

"It's just sometimes,
When like
You're feeling a bit down or whatever,
You tend to like, lose sight of things,
Like your perspective and stuff,
And like everything's worse than it actually is,
Ya know what I mean,
Yeah yeah I know,
Sometimes in our lives,
We can lose sight of things,
They seem worse than in eyes than they actually have been,
Got to keep in our minds some positive ,
Some people it's not a choice if you live,
Life goes up and life goes down,
Life can be so bad and then turn around,
Got to keep two feet on the ground,
Got to keep in our minds everything's not black and white,
Gotta fight for our rights,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright
Try 'n' give us a smile and everything'll be alright,
Try and be happy and you'll be alright,
Try 'n' give us a smile,
Don't get how someone would buy stuff you don't need,
Too much money, drugs, sleep, sugar, clothes
Whatever,
All of it will make you feel like shit if you have too much of the same thing,
Just balance it out a bit,
Go for walks, read the news, get some good, loyal friends, let yourself be amused by little things,
And remember- be in tact, stay calm and deep breathe."
[a is for asthma and annoying]

Guernica

"Is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear, but you forget to wind."

Another day, another fight with James today. I just got back from my lunch, crying and trying to hide the fact that I was crying from the douches in my office. There is absolutely no communication between us. Or rather just him. I talk, he ignores. And ignoring me and making fun of me getting upset makes me mad to the point where I break stuff, such as when I kicked a hole in the door before I left.

You know how I sad that I would wait until our four year anniversery? I don't think I can take this that much longer. I think I will kill him by then. I think that it is going to be cut much, MUCH shorter. Like maybe to next month. I can not do this anymore. Melissa said he has no respect for me, and I need to just flip a switch, shut off my emotions, and kick him to the curb. It's going to hurt like hell, but it needs to be done.

I was reading my old journal from high school today, from when I was dating the first James, Kaydence's dad (xanga.com/scarsandstars). There were a lot of memories there. I used to be so strong and fun and had a fun life, but I was still obsessed with a man and let him get the best of me. And now I have no life and I am weak and I am still letting a man get the best of me. Four years changed so much, yet changed so little.

Time to put my big girl panties on and get back to work.

I can be my own best friend.

Didn't write last week, I meant to, but I kept getting sidetracked. Believe me, I kept thinking about it though.

Had a spat last week at work with one of the ladies I hate the most. I didn't even see it coming. She just walked up to me and started going off about me not doing my job that she asked, when I was actually in the middle of doing it. I don't know why she acts like my boss when she is clearly not. Long story short, I told her off and point blank asked her if she has something against me because ever since I started working here she has been on my case every day she comes in, and she huffily answered "no" and stomped back to her office.

Besides that, I had a decent weekend. I got three pieces of Tarina Tarantino jewelry, one Ed Hardy shirt, and a REAL Coach bag! All for considerably cheaper than they actually cost, so I was quite excited. The only downside is, I have only $63 left in my bank account. Which is bad. See, I really think I might have a compulsive shopping addiction, and I just buy stuff without thinking. I mean, I calculate it in my mind, but I always end up going, "Well, if just make X amount before the first of the month, I will be fine!" So this is the X amount I need:
As of now I have $63.
My dad owes me $150 for the purse.
James is supposed to help me with at least $50.
I also am expecting a child support check of $170.
And a rebate for my printer of $70.
So that makes...$503.
Minus $365 for rent, and $120 for daycare...
That makes $18. So IF I actually get the money I am supposed to, I should be okay. But just to be safe, I should probably try to come up with at least $100 or so. Time to sell more stuff...
Ah, the addiction of fashion. A little person like me just wants to look like I have fashion and money and style too, even it costs me my rent. Sad.

Oh and I should probably write stuff down before I forget it. I am being so neglectful lately. I haven't done homework for school in about two weeks, and it's affecting my grades. Ugh. But since this is the most random post ever, I will type out lists that I need to keep handy in the near future.

Here is a list of things I need to buy people for Christmas:
Mom - yoga mat
Jim - Minnesota Vikings hat or house slippers
Tanner - Giftcard to gamestop
Christian - same thing
Emma - girly stuff like makeup
Joell - blanket from spencers gifts, or a cool necklace or ring
Kim - probably some cute jewelry
Jessi - Those A&F pants, and probably a cute shirt or something
Grandma - Mary Engelbret desk calender
Grandpa - tie or socks
James - hasn't really decided, but keeps mentioning a paintball jersey
Dad - he told me but I forgot, but I do remember it was more than $50 :[ ugh.
Liana - some kind of toy she can push or ride on
Kaydence - I'm thinking movies or barbie stuff

DVD's of Seasons I need to still buy:
1. Season 3 of Flavor of Love
2. Season 1 and 2 of I love New York
3. Season 5 of Nip/Tuck
4. Season 6 of Degrassi
5. Season 1 and 2 of Rock of Love
6. Season 1 of Dirt
7. Seasons 3, 4, and 5 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force
8. Season 3 and 4 of Dinosaurs
9. Season 1 of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job
10. All Seasons of Inuyasha
11. All Seasons of Full Metal Alchemist
12. Season 1 and 2 of The Brak Show
13. All Seasons of Aeon Flux
14. All Seasons of Sealab 2021
15. All Seasons of Space Ghost Coast to Coast
16. All Seasons of Clarissa Explains it All
17. All Seasons of My So Called Life
18. All Seasons of Fraggle Rock

That's all I can think of for now. Time to get back to work.

Bills Bills Bills

Ugh, I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I have 4 bills due right now, and I can choose to pay the two small ones or one big one. Either way, I'm going to have to tell my dad to wait for me to pay him for my insurance, and I'm going to have to ask James to help me. Stupid child support... I hate when it is late. I hate the Attorney General. They SUCK when it comes to child support.

I started talking to Melissa again, oh God I missed her. She is so sweet and funny.

Spoke to Jessi yesterday too. She's homesick, and I'm Jessisick. I can't wait for her to come back for Thanksgiving! If you are reading this Jess, I miss you!

Blah, my boss is bitching at me AGAIN for something stupid. It really bothers me how she expects me to do this dumptruck load of work in one day, and then emails me when I don't. I'm not a freaking SuperWoman Employee. At least Pat is back from her New Orleans trip, so now I have someone to talk to.

Man I'm starving. I need to figure out a way to buy a treadmill so I can start running.
I guess I will go back to work now, the boss is still griping.